**WEEKEND SPECIAL **

Hey hey, Sooo here it is peeps your *WEEKENDSPECIAL. Sorry it wasn’t on Wednesday but as anyone who has ever tried to write knows you can’t force the hand (or keypad) of creativity and I Personally wouldn’t even want to. When I first started this blog it was because I was at a point in my life where my creative juices were flowing in abundance (as was the blossom hill lol) and I just had so much to say so it was easy for me. I would just open my lappy and start typing and in less than ten minutes there it was my blog for the week. But this week was different. Why I’m not entirely sure but if I was to hazard a guess it would definitely be something to do with the mixed emotions I am experiencing right now. So much in my life is going so well right now and I am truly thankful for that but certain aspects are clearly far from resolved and as usual these are what we naturally focus on. So when I began typing on Tuesday night with everything set up minus my #GlassOfVino (which was replaced by a cup of Mauritian vanilla tea instead #MyFavourite) I must have only typed BLOG 016 by the time I had finished my tea L. I just kept starting to write and then drifting off into my head which although usually this would be an interesting place to be (Overactive Imagination) this time that wasn’t the case. It was more like the fuzzed out static that you get on broken TV’s with the annoying high pitched beeping sound to accompany it lol it might as well have had that typical screen voice over saying ‘we interrupt this broadcast to give you nothing but noise”. Ordinarily I’m such a focused person which is why this whole ‘Drifting Off’ thing really doesn’t work for me, so every time I would come back to the screen and try and start where I left off I couldn’t….I had lost my trend of thought……I had lost my capacity to formulate sentences and for the first time EVER I had lost my ability to articulate what I was thinking…..I was just LOST full stop!!! Until, this morning that is. As some of you will know ‘Sunday Mornings’ are one of my favourites. It’s the one time in the week where I refuse to work or do anything work related, I literally take that time to reflect on the weeks activities and how god miraculously got me through them. Evidently it was early this morning when I was trying to understand why it was that I couldn’t write my blog this week when I suddenly had a moment of clarity, I couldn’t express what I was thinking because I WASN’T THINKING!!!. So much was going on in my head consciously or not that I hadn’t been managing to sleep properly, my senses were being over stimulated and my brain had decided to just SHUT DOWN.

This was Something that I used to do all the time as a defence mechanism, when things got too much I would just switch off, kind of like the ostrich in the sand scenario. But this hadn’t happened to me for a long time though because when it comes to matters of practicality and running of my daily life motherhood had brought me up to speed and now I can multi-task with the best of them. I learnt the art of balance and letting go of that which you can’t control a few years ago but for some reason when it comes to matters of the heart these same said philosophies don’t seem to apply?!? I’m the kind of person that is either ALL in or ALL out, I’m either involved or I am not and I can’t seem to find a happy middle ground. I guess that’s my personality all over really I’m an extremist by nature which is why it’s been so hard for me these days trying to live a more Healthy Balanced Life style. I won’t lie I used to live in a black and white world where everything was always so clear to me, right or wrong, left or right, yes or no….but LOVE came and shook that right out of me and right now the world that I live in is a multifaceted tonal palette of grey (not quite 50 shades though lol) but It showed me that no matter who you are the one thing that cannot be CONTROLLED is LOVE.

This week indirectly that’s what I was trying to do I guess. I was concentrating so hard on staying focused on the things that matter so that I wouldn’t think of things that I was feeling… but it didn’t work though L all it did was BLOCK me.  Trying to supress heightened emotions of anger and frustration from the things I couldn’t control, pushing back emotions that were trying to surface because now I didn’t want to face the complications or ramifications of them….all just led to a metaphorical melt down.

The problem with shutting off the love you have for someone else is that there is ONLY one door to love…you either have it open and let it in or you close it and shut it out. I made the mistake when trying to gain closure properly of trying to stop loving the person who I was no longer with and found out the hard way that that was never going to be achievable. If you truly do love someone I don’t think that you will ever stop just because you can’t be with them anymore. It’s more a case of learning to love you, MORE rather than love them LESS if that makes any sense. I reckon when you start focusing on loving yourself more then you will a) recognise when it isn’t reciprocated and b) refuse to accept anything less than the love that you are willing to give and this is when you will get FULL CLOSURE. When you finally learn that moving on is a choice that doesn’t require you to stop loving that person first as a direct requisite.

 “I Love you BUT I Love ME More” (NIA-JAI ©).

When you choose this path you leave the door to Love Open and increase the chances of you finding it again. In the process of my brain trying to ORDER my heart to not feel what it feels it resulted in a civil war between my head and my heart. Loving someone that for one reason or another you can’t be with is just as frustrating as falling for someone who has no intention of falling with you. But the key is to flow with it, allow yourself to feel the emotions both positive and negative but don’t allow your FEELINGS to make your decisions for you. As we all know supressing anything only aids to increase the urge so “Don’t Fight it, Feel it” (Nia-Jai ©)

If you have fallen out of love with someone because they have hurt you badly hating them will not help heal you. You may FEEL hurt but you don’t need to ACT on it. You may like someone very much but find that the feelings are not mutual, or be attracted to someone a lot but know that the situation would not be productive in which case you can FEEL Lust/Love but you don’t need to ACT on it.

“Discipline is the difference between knowing what you want NOW and what you want MOST” I don’t know who’s quote that is but all I know is that over the last few weeks it has been my saving grace. It’s so simple but so effective and I just repeat it to myself every time I’m having a ‘Moment of Weakness’ lol

In other words “never make permanent decisions based on a temporary situation” (Nia-Jai © ) Emotions are Energy in motion which means that they are transient, flippant, ever changing, they are as temperamental as the weather they blow hot and cold at any given moment, is this really what you would want to base your life changing decisions off. Take them into account by all means (they can often be good indicators) but they shouldn’t be the primary and sole source from which you make your final decision.

If you could do anything different now to change what has happened in your past would you?? Wait before you reel off the predictable answer of ‘no because everything happens for a reason’ be truthful with yourself. I know that when I used to ask myself that question every single time my initial response was HELL YES of course I would want to right my wrongs and ease the pain of regret but I now know more than anyone that it’s not about that. “It is what it is and I AM what I AM, I don’t make Excuses I just take a stand” (Nia-Jai ©)

Why worry about changing the past when you could focus on building your future…. “It’s Not how you start BUT how you Finish”

That’s it guys the week in the mind of Mz M@nni hope it was worth the wait J apologies for my writers block.

 #ALWAYSlOVE <3