TIT FOR TAT……WAS THE PRICE WORTH THE SACRIFICE??

So it’s the early hours of Monday morning and I am restlessly tossing and turning in my bed. I can’t seem to find a comfortable position, I’m hot with the duvet on and I’m cold with it off. My brain is in overactive mode flicking furiously from one memory to another……..till finally, I bolt upright with my back ruler straight, eyes wide open and I hear the words, “story of your life huh?”

At which point I’m thinking what is? And I’m thoroughly confused????

Then I get it….it’s like there is a distinct air of excitement surrounding what’s about to happen next and I can definitely feel the ‘Winds of Change’ upon me but they are constantly blowing hot and cold paralleling the duality of emotions surrounding me……right and wrong , yes and no up and down.  Like I have been swept up into the whirl wind of life and I am being thrust about recklessly as this ill -timed tornado drags me from one place to another without my permission.

One minute I’m extremely excited about work opportunities that are occurring and the next I’m getting happy slapped in the face by those who supposedly care for me?? Why is it that every time something is going well in life something else has to be going wrong? For goodness sake why can’t yin and yang just get along.

CONTROL is a scary thing, and losing it is even  scarier for some. By its very definition it means to determine the behaviour or the course of events and as humans we try and exercise this by ‘manipulating’ people and emotions. We all do it (although some more than others) and IT’S WRONG!!! I hate people trying to control me but more  than that I’ve found that others HATE the fact that they CAN’T CONTROL ME!!!!

What a week I’ve had let me tell ya…..Last blog I told you to prepare for a rollercoaster ride well what I forgot to remind myself was to be careful what I say because lo and behold the following week had more than its fair share of ups and downs. In fact NO, that’s a lie, it was pretty much just one big downward motion. (This was one time that I was hoping that my height limitation of 5ft 1” would have denied me access to the ride BUT NO.)

It was as if I started the week at the top of the ride and was feeling great and then out of nowhere the carriage I was in just dropped without any warning!!! Usually when this happens (Yes unfortunately it’s a regular occurrence in my life) I go from the initial screaming phase, to throwing my hands up and enjoying the rush while waiting for my faith to cushion the drop. However, this time round was slightly different it’s almost as if I had an outer body experience. I watched myself falling but in slow motion. Everything slowed down considerably, you know like when a cassette tape used to get chewed up and would get blurred into a muffled sound followed by an ever so awkward silence. No lie, it’s like time stood still for at least 5 minutes, until reality broke the silence that is and I gave my head wobble thinking to myself is this really happening??? Am I really hearing what I think am hearing??  or am In some random twilight episode ( because if that’s the case I sure as hell am not getting paid enough to play a role I didn’t even audition for lol) 

Sorry, i'm getting a bit ahead of myself let me back track. Basically my relationship with a close friend of mine was damaged recently and to be honest I’m not sure if it will ever be the same again. You see in the fight for ‘control’respect was lost and where there is no respect there is no trust and well, where there is no TRUST…….enough said!!!

I don’t know what is going on this month? But there has definitely been some in house reshuffling taking place and yes the removal of some jokers from the pack because like I’ve said in the past there is nothing worse than having someone in your inner circle who’sWITH YOU but not FOR YOU…the names Judas, comes to mind and as Mz Legendary Hill so wisely put it‘You’ll never suppose it’s those who are closest to you’ but as most of us already know it almost ALWAYS is.

Don’t get me wrong everyone has conflicts and back in the day I would have been the first to jump in the ring and probably the last one out too. I was proper old-school or should I say Old Testament  an eye for an eye and all that and if someone even remotely tried to bad me up I’d call them on it…..but now, I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m a mother or that I’m older and presumably a ‘little’ wiser but I can’t help but think what the heck is the point in the whole tit for tat philosophy???? For one to be able to say…..I win?? You win what exactly?? Because the last time I checked conflict usually ends in a fall out and so with that said…..how are you winning if it’s at the expense of LOSING, something you supposedly value i.e. a friendship/relationship.

I know growing up I always wanted to play the role of the leading lady but I guess I didn’t really take into consideration that actually, the ‘strong female leads’ always had to endure a struggle and yes while in the END they ‘get the guy’ or ‘ the job’ or ‘change the world’ lol….their story was ultimately about the ‘STRUGGLE’. As sad as it is to lose anything you care about, I am glad that God is showing me who should be on which side of the fence now rather than later  because I know that he will never take from me anything that he isn’t willing to return to me tenfold.

I reckon STRENGTH is measured by what you’ve struggled through and SURVIVED. So if you’re never tested then how will you ever know how strong you are? I.e. if you only ever lift the same weight all the time, even if you are getting  physically stronger how will you know? You have to try lifting something heavier right? It’s the same in life, as we get stronger the tests get harder but that’s only because we can handle more…As the book of truth says he will NEVER give you more than you can bare and we ALL have a cross to rock !!

So you see if you have been tested this week, whether at home, in the office, with loved ones or strangers they are just scenarios that have happened to show you something about YOURSELF. Stop letting other people dictate your level of happiness STOP holding other people accountable for your misery….STOP putting your life in the hands of others and take back your control.

‘Taking control of yourself means NOT having to control anyone else….. and If you DON’T engage then war CANNOT be waged’ nia-jai 2012

I dedicate this blog to all those people that rub me up the wrong way!! I thank you for presenting me with situations that have shown me how much I have grown (well NOT physically) but spiritually at least. As I have said before: 

“ when you no longer have to WIN an argument is when you have finally WON the war” (Nia-Jai 2012 ©)

You see the best thing about not playing tit for tat is that when you refuse to tat back you automatically make the other person look like a tit. And so the moral of the story is #Always love and take the high road at least you know where that goes.

Till next week Blogsters,

#Always Love <3

THAT MOMENT WHEN PT 3 : “… I DON’T HAVE X’S JUST Y’S” (Kevin Hart)

That moment when….. I realised that I had one too many…NO not drinks but ‘moments when…. I messed up’ 

Initially I was happy when I sat down to write this blog, thinking this is it I’ve made it to Blog no. 20 and even exceeded my target of 2000 views. It wasn’t until I started writing that I realised whilst I appreciate many of you may see my annual mishaps as tragically humorous/ entertaining I on the other hand (being that I am often on the receiving end of these so aptly named punch lines) do not.

There are only so many hits your jaw can take before your chin breaks. So thank you very much who ever came up with the whole ‘take it on the chin’ philosophy, clearly you never did …or actually….. Maybe you did and secretly you just wanted us all to look as busted as you.

That moment when……… you start looking at your Ex’s like why’s…Why did you bother? Why did you care? Why did you even go there???

So I was kicked back reclining with one hand behind my head and a glass of vino in the other (Dutch courage) about to hesitantly rehash over past relationships. One eyebrow raised, with the opposite eye squinting hoping that if I close my eyes just enough not to see it… then perhaps it didn’t happen??

It could be said that reflection is to the mind what water is to a plant….it aides growth, so why is it then that the more I sit and reflect the more I begin to see exactly how messed up the situations I get myself into are. Our thoughts are a mirror of our internal struggles which is why when we hold a mirror up to our minds reflection WILL reveal the truth whether we like it or not. Ultimately it shows us the imperfections of ourselves instead of looking at everyone else.  Or as Eleanor Roosevelt put it best...

  “Great minds talk about ideas, average minds talk about events … and small minds talk about people.” (E.Roosevelt)

That Moment when…………..

We saw that first horror movie that scared us to within an inch of our life and we swore that we would categorically NEVER subject ourselves to that again. You’ve all had that moment right?? (For the record my experience was with that clown I.T (uuuuugh scarred for life)

 So here’s the thing, surely only the mentally insane would want to purposefully go back and watch it again. It just doesn’t make sense right? So why then when it comes to the horrifying mistakes we make in relationships do we not only repeat the mistake but end up re-watching them on the big screen of our consciousness and NOT ONLY THAT some of us upgrade and decide to watch that *ish in 3D????????

Now I realise that I am comparing my past relationships at this point to a horror movie, which technically isn’t really fair or the case (I assure you) and It’s not that I have had THAT many bad experiences, it’s just that in the few that I have…. They have literally made a bad enough impression to leave a mark.

So who was my horror story? I hear you ask. He was my “I’m Not doing this again” Ex. It would appear that we were on some Shakespearean Love story tip. Yep my very own modern day ‘Othello’ tale, destined for destruction the minute we said I LOVE YOU. If we are to go by Shakespeare that is and well we all know how William’s Love stories tend to end now don’t we lol. We did it all, the Ups, the downs, the back and forth, the I love you but I hate you….. then I love you again. Until, true to form we ended up having the drama ridden, climatic end that was perfectly befitting for such an emotionally charged relationship. (Exhales and shakes head) His love turned to near fatal jealousy and I turned away.

That moment when………..I finally learnt to let go, (take my key back) and love myself more.

That moment when……….

You see a guy/girl who (if you’re honest with yourself) you knew instantly wouldn’t be a great fit for you BUT like a pair of shoes that are ‘to die for’ and are only available in a size TOO Small, you still insist on trying to stuff your foot in them anyway. Only to complain when they DONT look as good on your foot as they did in the box….surprise surprise!!!

So who had me wanting to stuff my foot in a shoe that didn’t fit??? that would be Mr Dangerous Hype personified. He was my old flame and I was the moth. To quote one of my poems:

I was like a moth to a flame that was burning bright,

 I was attracted to that which I know aint right……

But yet Jesus told me to follow the light,

So why when I got close did it burn my pride???

And why couldn’t I

Just let it slide

It would a been easier for me just to let it ride but…..

had to be me

Nothing ever easy,

Stubborn as they come Castro couldn’t lead me!!

(NJ 2008) ©

I was just spell bound, it was like every time he would enter the room my brain would exit via the same door whilst the very apt LMFAO’s theme tune would play “I’m Sexy and I know it”

Temptation is a mo fo let me tell you, it can make you want to compromise yourself in many ways but you have to learn to say NO……

1) No you can’t give me a massage.

2) No we can’t be ALONE, in any room, EVERrrrrr and

3) No I’m not going to fantasize about what it was like… (Anymore lol)

Because wearing shoes that are not your size is how you end up injuring yourself or worst still getting corns. So I’ll tell you what, ladies and gentlemen, there will be No more “…just tryin it on for size” or “… walking in someone else’s shoes” it is NOT for me. I would rather be a window shopper thank you very much!!!!

“That moment when you realise you are no Cinderella and he sure as hell was no prince!! Lol.”

 Lastly, That moment when……………

You realise maybe you made a mistake……maybe he was the one…….maybe your choice was wrong???

He promised me the world and if I’m honest I believe he would have given it to me to. So I can’t help but wonder why? Why didn’t I see or appreciate what was right in front of my eyes. He was absolutely beautiful (correction he is absolutely beautiful.) He always put me first and a smile on my face; he was strong, kind, thoughtful and had a real thirst for life. I enjoyed spending time with him, he made laugh, he loved my children and above everything else he loved me and I know it because I could feel it. But I was scared because my 3rd degree burns from the last relationship (that got torched to the ground) were very much still visible and I hadn’t even got my key/heart back at that time. So I said no when maybe I should have said yes and now I just think why? He could have been my happily ever after.

“That moment when you realise maybe I missed an opportunity while I was betting on a risk”

Alas, finally my emotional intelligence has caught up with my biological age and I have learnt how to find the diamond in the mud. I am comfortable with the mistakes I have made now and those that I am surely going to make because like it or not it’s shaped me for the best. It has forced me to see things about myself that I probably never would have.  Being that we are all conditioned to live in this deluded world of make believe, putting on a show for others and displaying what we THINK they want to see.

Well I AM OFFICIALLY DONE with all that. Those who care enough to follow my blogs… brace yourself because this ride is about to get the Alton Tower treatment and there are no safety belts!!  You are going to get it ALL…. the good, the bad AND the ugly, the victories AND the mistakes, my good side and my bad side along with the struggles that I’m facing in the continual conflict of

 “The Old Me Versus the New Me…..in the hopes of becoming the Higher Me!!!”

Acceptance is the first step and I ACCEPT that I have a dark side as well as a light side and my aim is to become balanced so that they can coexist in harmony. I am no longer trying to supress or eliminate either part, so although I’m clearly not there yet if you know me at all then you know that I will be.

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day to make you everybody else, is to fight the hardest battle…” (ee.cummings)  

Till next time Blogheads, #NEVERSTOPFIGHTING!!!

#ALWAYSLOVE

RESET- your mind….REFUEL your body….. REBUILD your life!!!

Why do we wait until we hit the brick wall before slamming on the breaks??

Why do we refuse to see what’s right in front of our face??

Why do we complain about all these things that we HAVE to do…when the reality is that we DON’T have to do them at all….WE CHOOSE TO.

Instead of….. ‘PRIORITISING we’re ‘PANICKING’….. Instead of SLOWING DOWN we’re ‘SPEEDING UP’….but why??

I find it amazing that someone could be the CEO of a major corporate company or find it easy to micro manage a successful empire but yet can’t seem to run their own personal lives efficiently. Considering how surprisingly similar the running of both of them actually are. On the chaotic conveyor belt that we call life we’re just speeding by….but where exactly are we rushing to…our graves?? Everyday matters every minute counts every second that’s wasted you can never get back….so why are so many of us wishing our lives away….Considering none of us actually knows what the future holds !!

All I know is that I have already wasted too much time stuck in the past and the rest of the time trying to rush to the future….instead of just being in the NOW, but there comes a point when you have to just STOP!!  And realise that it’s time to come back to the middle.

RESET- your mind…

What is it exactly that you want out of life? What makes you happy? If you died tomorrow what would you want to be remembered for? RE-EVALUATE why you are here. What is your purpose because I believe that we are all called to do something and we do all have a destiny to fulfil?

Stop looking at the problem and seek the solution….just Looking forward is damage control at its finest.

If you tried something and it went wrong then REFLECT on what happened and decide what you will do differently next time. Confidence is not  being afraid to be wrong its knowing that it’s just a detour on the way to being right. I’m not always confident in what I am doing but I am more than confident that it will get done because I know that when I set my mind ‘achievement’ is just a matter of time.

If all you can see is the problem you’re facing then you should try changing your perspective…what you’re looking at a ground level never looks the same from a bird’s eye view, literally. A Position of Power is always from a higher place, look at the bigger picture. #HIGHER-LEVEL-LIVING

2) REFUEL

If you’ve been wounded, in the emotional tug of war regardless of how severe the injury, know that it’s in your best interest to RE-TREAT and REFUEL. Take time out and Re-asses strategically what steps to take next, after all life is a game of strategy. The only difference between those who do well and enjoy it and those who fail and hate it is their ability to cope.  Knowing what coping mechanisms to use and when and having the ability to adapt to whatever situation you are in and whatever opponent you are facing. For instance you wouldn’t wade in blindly in to the middle of a war without first knowing what it is you’re fighting for or making sure that you are more than equipped right? Knowledge is power, so regardless of what ever problem you’re facing if you don’t have the knowledge to use the right weapon for the right battle then you have already LOST.

Over the years’ experience has definitely taught me a lot things one of which being, to ALWAYS sacrifice a battle to ultimately win what is MOST important. Being ‘right’ in an argument is only ever really about ego and pride because realistically I don’t need you to agree that I am right for me to still be right (*smiles smugly). You see …The TRUTH it needs no proof either it is or it isn’t asking India Arie lol. Therefore  those who force an argument with me (and they know who they are) in the hopes of validation of their opinion should know this…you are only reaffirming your lack of conviction because Wisdom will tell you that when you no longer need to ‘WIN’ an argument THAT is when you have ‘WON’ the war.

N.B. Let it be known that I am speaking theoretically here however and in the wise words of mother Theresa:    ‘I am not anti-war but I AM Pro Peace’. When I speak of wars and weapon’s I am merely referring to the daily battles/emotional tribulations that we ALL face and our choice of what action to take.

Don’t get me wrong I enjoy a good argument with the best of them in fact it’s what I used to do best. For instance I liked to argue because I liked the adrenalin rush and the build-up of anticipation of playing verbal ping pong until the ball drops, and I also like to be enlightened when others have views that differ from mine BUT more importantly than that in certain situations I especially Love the making up at the end. So technically If it’s possible I consider myself a Lover AND  a fighter as I never really cared whether or not I came out on top, as long as I either got educated or I got ‘some’ lol….#Win Win

3) REBUILD

There is absolutely no point in trying to renovate your life if it’s been built on weak foundations. Tear it all down and start again from scratch. Strip away all the conditioned mentalities even those we’re not aware we have and start to RE-ESTABLISH: boundaries of what you will accept out of life and what you won’t.  Remember that a boundary is not the same as a brick wall it can be moved. It’s designed to form a perimeter to safeguard you…keep those who are not ‘for you’ on the outside (where they can do the least damage) and those that are loyal on the inside. The boundaries should always be in place but be aware that who’s on which side of them may well change. I can assure you first hand that when someone on the inside is no longer ‘on-side’ they then become the greatest threat to you and you should really pray for the power of discernment to know the difference because as I said a lot of times you may fail to realise that someone who was once an ally is now a potential hazard.

“Re-Shuffle the deck and take the jokers out of the pack….only to those who you trust should you ever show your back.” (Nia-Jai 2012 ©)

So basically the moral of today’s blog, Choose your battles…..the only time I will not back down or sit back is when it comes to compromising my beliefs or values so trust me if it comes down  to that then you better  be prepared to war because even Sun Tzu aint got nothing on me!!!

Till next week BlogHeads & Blogettes

“Enjoy what you already have Aspire for what you want to have and forget about what you don’t have………………..LIVE,LOVE AND LAUGH and don’t put what should come first last.”                     (Nia-Jai © 2012)

#Always Love

I BET YOU THINK THIS BLOG IS ABOUT YOU….. DON’T YOU???

So you know those statuses that are always just a little bit ambiguous almost like they’re trying to say something without actually saying anything at all lol…..well how often do you read one and think “is that about me?” like there is some grand FB conspiracy going on and it’s obviously indirectly aimed at you???

This question sprang to mind when I was being interrogated the other day about one of my previous blogs (by he who shall remain nameless). I don’t particularly know what was worse the fact that said person,  without hesitation presumed it must have been about him or that this person felt he had any right to even comment or pass judgment about whatever I choose to write. I mean come on now my blogs are exactly that, they are MINE , a forum for me to express myself and my innermost feelings freely with no holds barred (and trust me people the more freedom I get the more juicy my blogs will get, so technically it’s in your interests too to emancipate me lol)

They’re not forced upon anyone to read who doesn’t want to read them, they’re just snapshots into whatever is on my mind during that week and more often than not I just begin typing hoping to make some kind of sense of my ‘dilemmas but in no way am I trying to offend anyone  . They are just words that flow straight from my heart to Microsoft word (often bypassing my brain to be fair) and If I’m lucky by the end of it I have some sort of clarity….

So please anyone who doesn’t want to hear what I have to say then just don’t read it….it’s not as if it’s compulsory and I will NOT  edit my feelings on account of yours. That would be the equivalent of someone asking me how my day was and someone else answering the question on my behalf. (How would you know what or how I’m feeling if you’re not me).

 And I know some of you may be thinking yeah but why do I choose to share this with the world? Why Blog about it?? The answer to that is Simple!!! In the hopes that either someone out there can give me some helpful advice or so that my own ‘love walk’ may be able to help others who find themselves in similar situations. Why do I ask so many questions???  Because I learnt along the way that there is no such thing as a dumb question.

 “The only pointless questions are the ones that are not asked….” (Nia-jai ©)

You see I personally used to have a problem with ‘asking’ for help until I was made aware the hard way, of where that gets you L . Now I seek answers and help from those who are wiser than I and I pass on that which I do know (which as it stands is not all that much) because:-

 ‘’if you know better you do better’’ or as my mum used to always say “To be forewarned is to be forearmed”

But what happens when theoretically you do know better but in reality you don’t do better? And what causes us to do this?  Is it some kind of #Self Destruct Gadget mode that is automatically triggered when the mind conceives something that it doesn’t want to believe?  Why do we rationalise irrational behaviour ONLY when it’s in our own favour?

Well Without further ado here it is…. this week is definitely looking a lot better than the last. After feeling like I had literally been punched in the stomach and thrown off a high storey building only to be found and be rendered emotionally floored, I finally managed to pick myself up and dust myself off. I knew it was time for me to come face to face with some very uncomfortable questions and like it or not for me to address them I would have to accept the ugly truth that sometimes people really aren’t who you think they are, regardless of how well you know or love them. 

So I dug a little deeper as I always do and I tried to look through the problem to find the hidden meaning because as we all know nothing is ever as it seems on the surface and as I have expressed before the most flawless of apples, can have the ugliest cores, But why is it that sometimes even when we can see the truth, the WHOLE truth and nothing but the truth we still choose to ignore it. What makes us  turn a blind eye to it…??? And when does choosing to see the best in people hit the dangerous point where it crosses over into Martyr Ville/token Victim in the hood?

For so long I wanted to believe that someone I knew dearly would change their life around. That through all the mistakes they made at some point the penny would drop and they would see the hurt and pain they were inflicting on others around them and make a conscious decision to change it all. I chose to see them as they could be (the higher them) instead of how they were. However,  I slowly came to realise that actually while I was trying to be patient and love them back to wholeness, by not acknowledging or drawing appropriate lines in the sand I was actually allowing their behaviour to escalate and my attempts to pacify situations, (to take the so called high road) and prevent things from exploding was actually feeding their ‘bully boy mentality’.

My silence or refusal to engage in confrontation or address certain issues after lines were crossed was taken for weakness. It sent an indirect message to the person in question that their behaviour was a) acceptable b) justified and c) condonable. I know this was the case because it was reaffirmed for me when the sh!t hit the fan last week excuse my French. The truth really did come out as did the sentence “if what I really did was so wrong then why didn’t you do anything? It’s because you knew you were wrong”

WOW!!!!  when I say that sentence has been ringing in my head it definitely gave me something to think about. Why didn’t I take the appropriate action? Was I scared? Was I trying to protect my children? Or did a part of me believe that maybe I was to blame? Honestly it was probably a mixture of all of the above coupled with the old if a tree drops in a forest but there was no one there to hear it can you really say that it made a sound? Philosophy.  I guess I thought by not acknowledging it or speaking the words out loud then I could make myself believe it never really happened and maybe I could bury it so deep in my subconscious that even I would forget it happened.

Well not one to state the obvious but it didn’t work and nor will it EVER work. Anything suppressed just serves to gain a greater hold over you in the long run regardless of what  it is. Bringing TRUTH to any situation and shining a light even on your mistakes disempowers them and sets you free from their bondage.

“If you’re wrong say you’re wrong, admit it and move on because from dumb things you’ve done TRUST me you can’t run….” (Nia-Jai ©2008)

So yeah in this situation I hold my hands up to my part in what happened and I accept that when people USE and ABUSE you and cross lines with no remorse it is up to YOU to make the choice to stop them.  I should have recognised earlier when it was time to walk away, I should have realised YOU were never gonna change…and I should have headed the wise words of one of my idols:-

“Beware the false motives of others, Becareful of those who pretend to be lovers….Men who lack conscience will even LIE TO THEMSELVES to themselves!!!  (LAURYN HILL)

ALWAYSLOVE <3

 PS To Whom It May Concern YES this BLOG is about you