THAT MOMENT WHEN PT 3 : “… I DON’T HAVE X’S JUST Y’S” (Kevin Hart)

That moment when….. I realised that I had one too many…NO not drinks but ‘moments when…. I messed up’ 

Initially I was happy when I sat down to write this blog, thinking this is it I’ve made it to Blog no. 20 and even exceeded my target of 2000 views. It wasn’t until I started writing that I realised whilst I appreciate many of you may see my annual mishaps as tragically humorous/ entertaining I on the other hand (being that I am often on the receiving end of these so aptly named punch lines) do not.

There are only so many hits your jaw can take before your chin breaks. So thank you very much who ever came up with the whole ‘take it on the chin’ philosophy, clearly you never did …or actually….. Maybe you did and secretly you just wanted us all to look as busted as you.

That moment when……… you start looking at your Ex’s like why’s…Why did you bother? Why did you care? Why did you even go there???

So I was kicked back reclining with one hand behind my head and a glass of vino in the other (Dutch courage) about to hesitantly rehash over past relationships. One eyebrow raised, with the opposite eye squinting hoping that if I close my eyes just enough not to see it… then perhaps it didn’t happen??

It could be said that reflection is to the mind what water is to a plant….it aides growth, so why is it then that the more I sit and reflect the more I begin to see exactly how messed up the situations I get myself into are. Our thoughts are a mirror of our internal struggles which is why when we hold a mirror up to our minds reflection WILL reveal the truth whether we like it or not. Ultimately it shows us the imperfections of ourselves instead of looking at everyone else.  Or as Eleanor Roosevelt put it best...

  “Great minds talk about ideas, average minds talk about events … and small minds talk about people.” (E.Roosevelt)

That Moment when…………..

We saw that first horror movie that scared us to within an inch of our life and we swore that we would categorically NEVER subject ourselves to that again. You’ve all had that moment right?? (For the record my experience was with that clown I.T (uuuuugh scarred for life)

 So here’s the thing, surely only the mentally insane would want to purposefully go back and watch it again. It just doesn’t make sense right? So why then when it comes to the horrifying mistakes we make in relationships do we not only repeat the mistake but end up re-watching them on the big screen of our consciousness and NOT ONLY THAT some of us upgrade and decide to watch that *ish in 3D????????

Now I realise that I am comparing my past relationships at this point to a horror movie, which technically isn’t really fair or the case (I assure you) and It’s not that I have had THAT many bad experiences, it’s just that in the few that I have…. They have literally made a bad enough impression to leave a mark.

So who was my horror story? I hear you ask. He was my “I’m Not doing this again” Ex. It would appear that we were on some Shakespearean Love story tip. Yep my very own modern day ‘Othello’ tale, destined for destruction the minute we said I LOVE YOU. If we are to go by Shakespeare that is and well we all know how William’s Love stories tend to end now don’t we lol. We did it all, the Ups, the downs, the back and forth, the I love you but I hate you….. then I love you again. Until, true to form we ended up having the drama ridden, climatic end that was perfectly befitting for such an emotionally charged relationship. (Exhales and shakes head) His love turned to near fatal jealousy and I turned away.

That moment when………..I finally learnt to let go, (take my key back) and love myself more.

That moment when……….

You see a guy/girl who (if you’re honest with yourself) you knew instantly wouldn’t be a great fit for you BUT like a pair of shoes that are ‘to die for’ and are only available in a size TOO Small, you still insist on trying to stuff your foot in them anyway. Only to complain when they DONT look as good on your foot as they did in the box….surprise surprise!!!

So who had me wanting to stuff my foot in a shoe that didn’t fit??? that would be Mr Dangerous Hype personified. He was my old flame and I was the moth. To quote one of my poems:

I was like a moth to a flame that was burning bright,

 I was attracted to that which I know aint right……

But yet Jesus told me to follow the light,

So why when I got close did it burn my pride???

And why couldn’t I

Just let it slide

It would a been easier for me just to let it ride but…..

had to be me

Nothing ever easy,

Stubborn as they come Castro couldn’t lead me!!

(NJ 2008) ©

I was just spell bound, it was like every time he would enter the room my brain would exit via the same door whilst the very apt LMFAO’s theme tune would play “I’m Sexy and I know it”

Temptation is a mo fo let me tell you, it can make you want to compromise yourself in many ways but you have to learn to say NO……

1) No you can’t give me a massage.

2) No we can’t be ALONE, in any room, EVERrrrrr and

3) No I’m not going to fantasize about what it was like… (Anymore lol)

Because wearing shoes that are not your size is how you end up injuring yourself or worst still getting corns. So I’ll tell you what, ladies and gentlemen, there will be No more “…just tryin it on for size” or “… walking in someone else’s shoes” it is NOT for me. I would rather be a window shopper thank you very much!!!!

“That moment when you realise you are no Cinderella and he sure as hell was no prince!! Lol.”

 Lastly, That moment when……………

You realise maybe you made a mistake……maybe he was the one…….maybe your choice was wrong???

He promised me the world and if I’m honest I believe he would have given it to me to. So I can’t help but wonder why? Why didn’t I see or appreciate what was right in front of my eyes. He was absolutely beautiful (correction he is absolutely beautiful.) He always put me first and a smile on my face; he was strong, kind, thoughtful and had a real thirst for life. I enjoyed spending time with him, he made laugh, he loved my children and above everything else he loved me and I know it because I could feel it. But I was scared because my 3rd degree burns from the last relationship (that got torched to the ground) were very much still visible and I hadn’t even got my key/heart back at that time. So I said no when maybe I should have said yes and now I just think why? He could have been my happily ever after.

“That moment when you realise maybe I missed an opportunity while I was betting on a risk”

Alas, finally my emotional intelligence has caught up with my biological age and I have learnt how to find the diamond in the mud. I am comfortable with the mistakes I have made now and those that I am surely going to make because like it or not it’s shaped me for the best. It has forced me to see things about myself that I probably never would have.  Being that we are all conditioned to live in this deluded world of make believe, putting on a show for others and displaying what we THINK they want to see.

Well I AM OFFICIALLY DONE with all that. Those who care enough to follow my blogs… brace yourself because this ride is about to get the Alton Tower treatment and there are no safety belts!!  You are going to get it ALL…. the good, the bad AND the ugly, the victories AND the mistakes, my good side and my bad side along with the struggles that I’m facing in the continual conflict of

 “The Old Me Versus the New Me…..in the hopes of becoming the Higher Me!!!”

Acceptance is the first step and I ACCEPT that I have a dark side as well as a light side and my aim is to become balanced so that they can coexist in harmony. I am no longer trying to supress or eliminate either part, so although I’m clearly not there yet if you know me at all then you know that I will be.

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day to make you everybody else, is to fight the hardest battle…” (ee.cummings)  

Till next time Blogheads, #NEVERSTOPFIGHTING!!!

#ALWAYSLOVE

RESET- your mind….REFUEL your body….. REBUILD your life!!!

Why do we wait until we hit the brick wall before slamming on the breaks??

Why do we refuse to see what’s right in front of our face??

Why do we complain about all these things that we HAVE to do…when the reality is that we DON’T have to do them at all….WE CHOOSE TO.

Instead of….. ‘PRIORITISING we’re ‘PANICKING’….. Instead of SLOWING DOWN we’re ‘SPEEDING UP’….but why??

I find it amazing that someone could be the CEO of a major corporate company or find it easy to micro manage a successful empire but yet can’t seem to run their own personal lives efficiently. Considering how surprisingly similar the running of both of them actually are. On the chaotic conveyor belt that we call life we’re just speeding by….but where exactly are we rushing to…our graves?? Everyday matters every minute counts every second that’s wasted you can never get back….so why are so many of us wishing our lives away….Considering none of us actually knows what the future holds !!

All I know is that I have already wasted too much time stuck in the past and the rest of the time trying to rush to the future….instead of just being in the NOW, but there comes a point when you have to just STOP!!  And realise that it’s time to come back to the middle.

RESET- your mind…

What is it exactly that you want out of life? What makes you happy? If you died tomorrow what would you want to be remembered for? RE-EVALUATE why you are here. What is your purpose because I believe that we are all called to do something and we do all have a destiny to fulfil?

Stop looking at the problem and seek the solution….just Looking forward is damage control at its finest.

If you tried something and it went wrong then REFLECT on what happened and decide what you will do differently next time. Confidence is not  being afraid to be wrong its knowing that it’s just a detour on the way to being right. I’m not always confident in what I am doing but I am more than confident that it will get done because I know that when I set my mind ‘achievement’ is just a matter of time.

If all you can see is the problem you’re facing then you should try changing your perspective…what you’re looking at a ground level never looks the same from a bird’s eye view, literally. A Position of Power is always from a higher place, look at the bigger picture. #HIGHER-LEVEL-LIVING

2) REFUEL

If you’ve been wounded, in the emotional tug of war regardless of how severe the injury, know that it’s in your best interest to RE-TREAT and REFUEL. Take time out and Re-asses strategically what steps to take next, after all life is a game of strategy. The only difference between those who do well and enjoy it and those who fail and hate it is their ability to cope.  Knowing what coping mechanisms to use and when and having the ability to adapt to whatever situation you are in and whatever opponent you are facing. For instance you wouldn’t wade in blindly in to the middle of a war without first knowing what it is you’re fighting for or making sure that you are more than equipped right? Knowledge is power, so regardless of what ever problem you’re facing if you don’t have the knowledge to use the right weapon for the right battle then you have already LOST.

Over the years’ experience has definitely taught me a lot things one of which being, to ALWAYS sacrifice a battle to ultimately win what is MOST important. Being ‘right’ in an argument is only ever really about ego and pride because realistically I don’t need you to agree that I am right for me to still be right (*smiles smugly). You see …The TRUTH it needs no proof either it is or it isn’t asking India Arie lol. Therefore  those who force an argument with me (and they know who they are) in the hopes of validation of their opinion should know this…you are only reaffirming your lack of conviction because Wisdom will tell you that when you no longer need to ‘WIN’ an argument THAT is when you have ‘WON’ the war.

N.B. Let it be known that I am speaking theoretically here however and in the wise words of mother Theresa:    ‘I am not anti-war but I AM Pro Peace’. When I speak of wars and weapon’s I am merely referring to the daily battles/emotional tribulations that we ALL face and our choice of what action to take.

Don’t get me wrong I enjoy a good argument with the best of them in fact it’s what I used to do best. For instance I liked to argue because I liked the adrenalin rush and the build-up of anticipation of playing verbal ping pong until the ball drops, and I also like to be enlightened when others have views that differ from mine BUT more importantly than that in certain situations I especially Love the making up at the end. So technically If it’s possible I consider myself a Lover AND  a fighter as I never really cared whether or not I came out on top, as long as I either got educated or I got ‘some’ lol….#Win Win

3) REBUILD

There is absolutely no point in trying to renovate your life if it’s been built on weak foundations. Tear it all down and start again from scratch. Strip away all the conditioned mentalities even those we’re not aware we have and start to RE-ESTABLISH: boundaries of what you will accept out of life and what you won’t.  Remember that a boundary is not the same as a brick wall it can be moved. It’s designed to form a perimeter to safeguard you…keep those who are not ‘for you’ on the outside (where they can do the least damage) and those that are loyal on the inside. The boundaries should always be in place but be aware that who’s on which side of them may well change. I can assure you first hand that when someone on the inside is no longer ‘on-side’ they then become the greatest threat to you and you should really pray for the power of discernment to know the difference because as I said a lot of times you may fail to realise that someone who was once an ally is now a potential hazard.

“Re-Shuffle the deck and take the jokers out of the pack….only to those who you trust should you ever show your back.” (Nia-Jai 2012 ©)

So basically the moral of today’s blog, Choose your battles…..the only time I will not back down or sit back is when it comes to compromising my beliefs or values so trust me if it comes down  to that then you better  be prepared to war because even Sun Tzu aint got nothing on me!!!

Till next week BlogHeads & Blogettes

“Enjoy what you already have Aspire for what you want to have and forget about what you don’t have………………..LIVE,LOVE AND LAUGH and don’t put what should come first last.”                     (Nia-Jai © 2012)

#Always Love

I BET YOU THINK THIS BLOG IS ABOUT YOU….. DON’T YOU???

So you know those statuses that are always just a little bit ambiguous almost like they’re trying to say something without actually saying anything at all lol…..well how often do you read one and think “is that about me?” like there is some grand FB conspiracy going on and it’s obviously indirectly aimed at you???

This question sprang to mind when I was being interrogated the other day about one of my previous blogs (by he who shall remain nameless). I don’t particularly know what was worse the fact that said person,  without hesitation presumed it must have been about him or that this person felt he had any right to even comment or pass judgment about whatever I choose to write. I mean come on now my blogs are exactly that, they are MINE , a forum for me to express myself and my innermost feelings freely with no holds barred (and trust me people the more freedom I get the more juicy my blogs will get, so technically it’s in your interests too to emancipate me lol)

They’re not forced upon anyone to read who doesn’t want to read them, they’re just snapshots into whatever is on my mind during that week and more often than not I just begin typing hoping to make some kind of sense of my ‘dilemmas but in no way am I trying to offend anyone  . They are just words that flow straight from my heart to Microsoft word (often bypassing my brain to be fair) and If I’m lucky by the end of it I have some sort of clarity….

So please anyone who doesn’t want to hear what I have to say then just don’t read it….it’s not as if it’s compulsory and I will NOT  edit my feelings on account of yours. That would be the equivalent of someone asking me how my day was and someone else answering the question on my behalf. (How would you know what or how I’m feeling if you’re not me).

 And I know some of you may be thinking yeah but why do I choose to share this with the world? Why Blog about it?? The answer to that is Simple!!! In the hopes that either someone out there can give me some helpful advice or so that my own ‘love walk’ may be able to help others who find themselves in similar situations. Why do I ask so many questions???  Because I learnt along the way that there is no such thing as a dumb question.

 “The only pointless questions are the ones that are not asked….” (Nia-jai ©)

You see I personally used to have a problem with ‘asking’ for help until I was made aware the hard way, of where that gets you L . Now I seek answers and help from those who are wiser than I and I pass on that which I do know (which as it stands is not all that much) because:-

 ‘’if you know better you do better’’ or as my mum used to always say “To be forewarned is to be forearmed”

But what happens when theoretically you do know better but in reality you don’t do better? And what causes us to do this?  Is it some kind of #Self Destruct Gadget mode that is automatically triggered when the mind conceives something that it doesn’t want to believe?  Why do we rationalise irrational behaviour ONLY when it’s in our own favour?

Well Without further ado here it is…. this week is definitely looking a lot better than the last. After feeling like I had literally been punched in the stomach and thrown off a high storey building only to be found and be rendered emotionally floored, I finally managed to pick myself up and dust myself off. I knew it was time for me to come face to face with some very uncomfortable questions and like it or not for me to address them I would have to accept the ugly truth that sometimes people really aren’t who you think they are, regardless of how well you know or love them. 

So I dug a little deeper as I always do and I tried to look through the problem to find the hidden meaning because as we all know nothing is ever as it seems on the surface and as I have expressed before the most flawless of apples, can have the ugliest cores, But why is it that sometimes even when we can see the truth, the WHOLE truth and nothing but the truth we still choose to ignore it. What makes us  turn a blind eye to it…??? And when does choosing to see the best in people hit the dangerous point where it crosses over into Martyr Ville/token Victim in the hood?

For so long I wanted to believe that someone I knew dearly would change their life around. That through all the mistakes they made at some point the penny would drop and they would see the hurt and pain they were inflicting on others around them and make a conscious decision to change it all. I chose to see them as they could be (the higher them) instead of how they were. However,  I slowly came to realise that actually while I was trying to be patient and love them back to wholeness, by not acknowledging or drawing appropriate lines in the sand I was actually allowing their behaviour to escalate and my attempts to pacify situations, (to take the so called high road) and prevent things from exploding was actually feeding their ‘bully boy mentality’.

My silence or refusal to engage in confrontation or address certain issues after lines were crossed was taken for weakness. It sent an indirect message to the person in question that their behaviour was a) acceptable b) justified and c) condonable. I know this was the case because it was reaffirmed for me when the sh!t hit the fan last week excuse my French. The truth really did come out as did the sentence “if what I really did was so wrong then why didn’t you do anything? It’s because you knew you were wrong”

WOW!!!!  when I say that sentence has been ringing in my head it definitely gave me something to think about. Why didn’t I take the appropriate action? Was I scared? Was I trying to protect my children? Or did a part of me believe that maybe I was to blame? Honestly it was probably a mixture of all of the above coupled with the old if a tree drops in a forest but there was no one there to hear it can you really say that it made a sound? Philosophy.  I guess I thought by not acknowledging it or speaking the words out loud then I could make myself believe it never really happened and maybe I could bury it so deep in my subconscious that even I would forget it happened.

Well not one to state the obvious but it didn’t work and nor will it EVER work. Anything suppressed just serves to gain a greater hold over you in the long run regardless of what  it is. Bringing TRUTH to any situation and shining a light even on your mistakes disempowers them and sets you free from their bondage.

“If you’re wrong say you’re wrong, admit it and move on because from dumb things you’ve done TRUST me you can’t run….” (Nia-Jai ©2008)

So yeah in this situation I hold my hands up to my part in what happened and I accept that when people USE and ABUSE you and cross lines with no remorse it is up to YOU to make the choice to stop them.  I should have recognised earlier when it was time to walk away, I should have realised YOU were never gonna change…and I should have headed the wise words of one of my idols:-

“Beware the false motives of others, Becareful of those who pretend to be lovers….Men who lack conscience will even LIE TO THEMSELVES to themselves!!!  (LAURYN HILL)

ALWAYSLOVE <3

 PS To Whom It May Concern YES this BLOG is about you

TAKING BACK YOUR "KEY"... "The only way OUT is to go THROUGH..."

I’ve heard it said that those who say “NEVER” almost certainly will……so why do we do it to ourselves? Why do we bother using the 'N' word??

For those who don’t know, I wrote a single a while back entitled ‘AGAIN’ notice the absence of the word that shall remain nameless lol…..and guess what yep after singing/rapping about how i was never going to do it AGAIN!!! from the top of my lungs, in the hopes of gaining some kind of closure, you can guess what happened right?? Yesss people I did it ‘AGAIN’ and not in the Britney Spears sense of the word either lol. I did a complete 360 degree turn and returned to exactly where I left off. Right back to the same equation in the hopes of achieving a different answer…..Why???.

 

It’s just Monogamy Not maths.

It was a simple addition of you plus me,

U know those Promises about starting a family,

Trust me the logic aint hard to conceive

How you gonna build Love on the grounds if they’re weak???

You little cheat,

Trapped! in deceit,

Bet thought you could go and pull a fast one on me,

Till I went and pulled a card out right from my sleeve

And decided it’s time I subtracted me,

Please!!!

You should really comprehend with ease

It’s not something you should need explaining jheeze

It’s not algebra One plus two makes three,

If it’s YOU (plus) HER then (minus) ME

Coz my tables for 2 there’s no party for 3

Ménage a nuttin nah NOT me…..

Because there’s….. 2 many Fish in the sea!!!!

(NIA-JAI ©2008)

#KNOWURWORTH

 

 

Well it has been said that those who can’t do… TEACH and clearly whilst I hold no intentions of slating those among us who are wonderful teachers, rest assured in this instance this statement refers more so to me more than anyone else. I guess I write about love or the lack of it because at present I’m not living it. So if those who can’t do teach then I guess those who don’t have write lool. I have made such a mess of my Love Life in the past, that for the last 3 years or so I have been trying to rectify this problem (correction MY PROBLEM….) and unfortunately whilst I seem to have made significant progress I sure as hell haven’t cracked it yet. I figured that now that I have you guys to talk to, maybe for a change YOU might want to help me out, because anyone who knows me knows I clearly need it.

So todays blog will be the beginning of a much needed role reversal…..I’m going to highlight some of the problems I have been experiencing and you can feel free to enlighten me.

When it comes to me and 'Love' the penny just doesn’t seem to want to drop. Every time I turn a corner or make some kind of breakthrough it only lasts momentarily before I hit another dead end, forcing me to re-evaluate my path. The last book I read was Deepak Chopra’s “The Path to Love” and while theoretically gaining all this insight can’t be detrimental to me…it’s all good when you’re in a good place but as soon as that Black cloud reappears or you find yourself trying to continue navigate through the darkness without a flashlight things immediately get harder. I find myself writing songs, poems and more recently books/blogs on my ever insightful journey TO and THROUGH love but at present it just seems never ending. So how do you really gain closure?? Because from personal experience if a situation continues to persist or resurface from time to time then surely that means that it hasn’t been resolved?? As I am a result driven person you can understand my dilemma. Do both parties involved need to agree that it is over for it to ever really be over? And if that’s the case can you really get any closure by closing the door on a relationship if they still have a key???

Taking back the key to an apartment/house is a great physical representation of drawing a line but how often do we do pack our bags with a pre prepared, magnificently scripted monologue, make our grand exist in the dramatic closing scene …….only to find that actually we closed the door but FORGOT to take the key. And before you get carried away I don’t just mean to the door I mean the key to your HEART. Leaving someone, ending something, or even moving somewhere else does not = Letting Go. I’ve found that the process of moving on sometimes can take longer for others when they aren’t even aware that they haven’t moved on.

 On numerous occasions I have talked to people that truly believe in their hearts that they’ve gone through the break up steps from beginning to end and that they’ve healed and they’re ready to move on but I have come to find that usually people are as reluctant to be honest with themselves as they are with other people (MYSELF included) and with that said they tend to only deal with the symptoms rather than the condition neglecting that if you deal with the cause you wont need to search for a cure. 

Just because you’re mind has processed the end of a relationship and is ready to start again, doesn’t necessarily mean that your heart is in the same place. Too often once we have given away the key to our hearts we forget to get it back and we enter new relationships only to realise that they won't last. You manage to get to a certain point when the other person decides to give you their heart but then you wonder why you can’t reciprocate and give them yours. At first you may think that it’s because you just don’t feel the same but after a few failed attempts and the sudden realisation that there was nothing wrong with the people you were dating, you arrive at the understanding that you couldn’t GIVE your heart because it wasn’t there to give.

Now the hard the journey really begins because as anyone who has ever come out of the other end of heart ache will know,

"The only way out of the fire is to go through it."

And no you can’t go through the flames and expect your flesh not to get burnt but if your spirit is strong you can walk across hot coals and still be ok. I don’t know about you but I’m taking back my key today #FeelThePainBut DoItAnyway. Face your fears or whatever it is that you don’t want to hear and know that more often than not in life;

“ it’s not about avoiding the punches life throws at you BUT taking the hit and choosing to fight instead of quit” (Nia-Jai ©)

 

#ALWAYSLOVE <3

 

 

 

 

**WEEKEND SPECIAL **

Hey hey, Sooo here it is peeps your *WEEKENDSPECIAL. Sorry it wasn’t on Wednesday but as anyone who has ever tried to write knows you can’t force the hand (or keypad) of creativity and I Personally wouldn’t even want to. When I first started this blog it was because I was at a point in my life where my creative juices were flowing in abundance (as was the blossom hill lol) and I just had so much to say so it was easy for me. I would just open my lappy and start typing and in less than ten minutes there it was my blog for the week. But this week was different. Why I’m not entirely sure but if I was to hazard a guess it would definitely be something to do with the mixed emotions I am experiencing right now. So much in my life is going so well right now and I am truly thankful for that but certain aspects are clearly far from resolved and as usual these are what we naturally focus on. So when I began typing on Tuesday night with everything set up minus my #GlassOfVino (which was replaced by a cup of Mauritian vanilla tea instead #MyFavourite) I must have only typed BLOG 016 by the time I had finished my tea L. I just kept starting to write and then drifting off into my head which although usually this would be an interesting place to be (Overactive Imagination) this time that wasn’t the case. It was more like the fuzzed out static that you get on broken TV’s with the annoying high pitched beeping sound to accompany it lol it might as well have had that typical screen voice over saying ‘we interrupt this broadcast to give you nothing but noise”. Ordinarily I’m such a focused person which is why this whole ‘Drifting Off’ thing really doesn’t work for me, so every time I would come back to the screen and try and start where I left off I couldn’t….I had lost my trend of thought……I had lost my capacity to formulate sentences and for the first time EVER I had lost my ability to articulate what I was thinking…..I was just LOST full stop!!! Until, this morning that is. As some of you will know ‘Sunday Mornings’ are one of my favourites. It’s the one time in the week where I refuse to work or do anything work related, I literally take that time to reflect on the weeks activities and how god miraculously got me through them. Evidently it was early this morning when I was trying to understand why it was that I couldn’t write my blog this week when I suddenly had a moment of clarity, I couldn’t express what I was thinking because I WASN’T THINKING!!!. So much was going on in my head consciously or not that I hadn’t been managing to sleep properly, my senses were being over stimulated and my brain had decided to just SHUT DOWN.

This was Something that I used to do all the time as a defence mechanism, when things got too much I would just switch off, kind of like the ostrich in the sand scenario. But this hadn’t happened to me for a long time though because when it comes to matters of practicality and running of my daily life motherhood had brought me up to speed and now I can multi-task with the best of them. I learnt the art of balance and letting go of that which you can’t control a few years ago but for some reason when it comes to matters of the heart these same said philosophies don’t seem to apply?!? I’m the kind of person that is either ALL in or ALL out, I’m either involved or I am not and I can’t seem to find a happy middle ground. I guess that’s my personality all over really I’m an extremist by nature which is why it’s been so hard for me these days trying to live a more Healthy Balanced Life style. I won’t lie I used to live in a black and white world where everything was always so clear to me, right or wrong, left or right, yes or no….but LOVE came and shook that right out of me and right now the world that I live in is a multifaceted tonal palette of grey (not quite 50 shades though lol) but It showed me that no matter who you are the one thing that cannot be CONTROLLED is LOVE.

This week indirectly that’s what I was trying to do I guess. I was concentrating so hard on staying focused on the things that matter so that I wouldn’t think of things that I was feeling… but it didn’t work though L all it did was BLOCK me.  Trying to supress heightened emotions of anger and frustration from the things I couldn’t control, pushing back emotions that were trying to surface because now I didn’t want to face the complications or ramifications of them….all just led to a metaphorical melt down.

The problem with shutting off the love you have for someone else is that there is ONLY one door to love…you either have it open and let it in or you close it and shut it out. I made the mistake when trying to gain closure properly of trying to stop loving the person who I was no longer with and found out the hard way that that was never going to be achievable. If you truly do love someone I don’t think that you will ever stop just because you can’t be with them anymore. It’s more a case of learning to love you, MORE rather than love them LESS if that makes any sense. I reckon when you start focusing on loving yourself more then you will a) recognise when it isn’t reciprocated and b) refuse to accept anything less than the love that you are willing to give and this is when you will get FULL CLOSURE. When you finally learn that moving on is a choice that doesn’t require you to stop loving that person first as a direct requisite.

 “I Love you BUT I Love ME More” (NIA-JAI ©).

When you choose this path you leave the door to Love Open and increase the chances of you finding it again. In the process of my brain trying to ORDER my heart to not feel what it feels it resulted in a civil war between my head and my heart. Loving someone that for one reason or another you can’t be with is just as frustrating as falling for someone who has no intention of falling with you. But the key is to flow with it, allow yourself to feel the emotions both positive and negative but don’t allow your FEELINGS to make your decisions for you. As we all know supressing anything only aids to increase the urge so “Don’t Fight it, Feel it” (Nia-Jai ©)

If you have fallen out of love with someone because they have hurt you badly hating them will not help heal you. You may FEEL hurt but you don’t need to ACT on it. You may like someone very much but find that the feelings are not mutual, or be attracted to someone a lot but know that the situation would not be productive in which case you can FEEL Lust/Love but you don’t need to ACT on it.

“Discipline is the difference between knowing what you want NOW and what you want MOST” I don’t know who’s quote that is but all I know is that over the last few weeks it has been my saving grace. It’s so simple but so effective and I just repeat it to myself every time I’m having a ‘Moment of Weakness’ lol

In other words “never make permanent decisions based on a temporary situation” (Nia-Jai © ) Emotions are Energy in motion which means that they are transient, flippant, ever changing, they are as temperamental as the weather they blow hot and cold at any given moment, is this really what you would want to base your life changing decisions off. Take them into account by all means (they can often be good indicators) but they shouldn’t be the primary and sole source from which you make your final decision.

If you could do anything different now to change what has happened in your past would you?? Wait before you reel off the predictable answer of ‘no because everything happens for a reason’ be truthful with yourself. I know that when I used to ask myself that question every single time my initial response was HELL YES of course I would want to right my wrongs and ease the pain of regret but I now know more than anyone that it’s not about that. “It is what it is and I AM what I AM, I don’t make Excuses I just take a stand” (Nia-Jai ©)

Why worry about changing the past when you could focus on building your future…. “It’s Not how you start BUT how you Finish”

That’s it guys the week in the mind of Mz M@nni hope it was worth the wait J apologies for my writers block.

 #ALWAYSlOVE <3

 

"THE QUESTION ISN'T CAN YOU....ITS WILL YOU"

Hey Hey, welcome back loyal readers, this week anyone who follows me on twitter or Facebook will know that I’ve been reflecting on the concept of ‘Self-Control’ in a few different areas of my life, mainly because for the most part I have always been a caution to the wind, go with the moment and let it flow kind of girl but now that I’m fast approaching the exit of my ‘twenteens’ things have started to change. More importantly I have decided to change.

Since the beginning of the year after setting the infamous New Year’s resolutions, I have been on a quest to fulfil them. One of the main goals near the top of my list was to get fitter and lose weight in the process, so I wrote down my body measurements as they were and set new ones that I wanted to achieve, under the premise that ‘if you look better, you’ll feel better and if you feel better then you’ll do better’ but knowing what you want is the easy step its implementing what you ‘NEED’ to do in order to get it that’s hard. For instance I knew I wanted fabulous abs like J-Lo but after having two children I knew it was not going to be easy and that it would take a lot of hard work and dedication. So I joined a fitness class and attended just once a week at first because that’s all I could fit into my hectic schedule but as I gained confidence and started seeing results it gave me the impetus to do more, However I knew I wasn’t at the stage yet where I could push myself to get the results that I was aiming for so I started doing sessions with a personal trainer and literally before I knew it I was addicted to getting fitter, pushing myself and driving forward to beat my previous targets. It fascinated me because when I first started the prospect of completing a 10k challenge seemed so far removed from my reality and now I’m doing 12k challenges which make the 10k seem easy I guess what I am saying is that things can seem hard and out of reach at first but once you get started and gain momentum before you know it you’ve crossed the finish line and are stood wondering whatever made you think you couldn’t do it in the first place. I have to be honest initially when I began workout sessions with #CXF, I was training to look good with the intention of eventually looking good while training ;-) but along the way my aims and thoughts changed. I realised that all the work I was putting in was actually benefiting my overall life full stop. For example when it came to everyday tasks like walking up two flights of stairs with all my shopping  and my prince in hand I was no longer  feeling weak, out of breath or worst still sorry for myself it was apparent my body had changed because now what was once a nightmare suddenly felt easy, (I’d become stronger). Also random things like, feeling happy and silently wanting to high5 myself for not flying down the aisle when the bus jerks because you realise all the core strength training has paid offJ. I started playing outside with my children more than usual because I had more energy and was no longer feeling lethargic or restless.

The results of trying to better myself physically had actually filtered down through to other areas of my life as I started to apply the same principles that I use in the gym to achieve my outcomes. Basically I realised that just as my Personal trainer would say to me  “Don’t give Up, Dig In…this is where you get results” was exactly the same for real life, you can’t just check out when it gets hard. It’s the decisions you make DURING a challenge that count and how you handle a storm whilst in the midst of it that reveals your true strength. Anyone can make the right choice after the event or with hindsight but the difference between success and failure is often SELF-CONTROL whether it’s in terms of your relationships, your career or your personal life.

I knew that when I embarked on the road to health and fitness somewhere along the line my dietary habits would be called into question but as we all do I put it off for as long as possible. To be fair my diet wasn’t all that bad to begin with but I just had few little things that I liked to indulge in i.e. chocolate, carbonated drinks and alcohol. Luckily for me I get heart palpitations when I drink caffeine so red bull and coffee had already been crossed off the list for me; however it was what was going to have to come off next that scared me the most lol. Needless to say it took me a good 6 months or so to finally set the goal for a 28 day detox consisting of #NOALCOHOL and #NOFIZZYDRINKS. I was inspired by the whole ‘STOPtober’ campaign for smokers and decided it was definitely time. 10 days in and I’m doing a lot better than I have in the past  where my withdrawal symptoms would kick in after just 2 days lol, granted I’m not where I need to be but I’m certainly not where I used to be and what seemed unrealistic six months ago now seems attainable with only 18 days left. I think the key is to start small with goals that are achievable then as you start ticking them off and getting more confident up the levels and test yourself you never know what you’re capable of until you try and whatever you do check your motives. Don’t set goals based on what your peers/colleagues are doing or how they’re living, set them according to your wants and desires. If you set your mind about something and you have a genuine reason as to why you’re doing it, the chances are that you will be more likely to successfully complete it.

Ask yourself are you doing what you NEED to, to get what you WANT???

(If you want a body like Kim Kardashian or Kate Moss, Serena Williams or Kelly Rowland….. is eating unhealthily, not exercising regularly and just generally wishing for it really going to get you that????)

If you want a High powered job or just a job in general….. Is not actively looking for one or not honing your existing skills really going to get you that???

If you want a settled loving relationship……is going out every night and getting wasted going to provide that???

….. Kenneth Blanchard said, “There’s a difference between Interest and commitment. When you’re interested in doing something, you do it ONLY if it’s convenient. When you’re committed to doing something, you accept NO excuses only results”

Commitment to finish what you start shows character. We all want a better life but “The difference between WANT and NEED is SELF-CONTROL!!!” DO what you NEED to even when you DON’T FEEL to and #ALWAYSLOVE <3

'SAME OL' SAME OL' .....JUST A DIFFERENT FACE !!

So is it true do we all have a ‘type’?

How does attraction work?

Are you just attracted to the same gift but in different wrappers?

I’m saying this because if one goes through a series of failed relationships and the only common denominator is THEM then isnt that indicative of whom the problem lies with?? I’m just saying, I bet this is one time when you’d love to hear that phrase… ‘no its not you babes it’s me’  lol.

And is there at least some kind of reset button we can press in case of emergency when a relationship is malfunctioning or as in most cases stuck on REPEAT?

Its official I seem to have all of the questions but barely any answers and these days the revelations that I do receive seem to be somewhat perplexing and subject to change anyway, which I suppose should be expected considering you can’t have growth without it. But this weeks blog was inspired by a situation that got me thinking..... if our 'situations' aren’t changing then are we really growing?

The other day I got a call from a good friend of mine who was once again experiencing  some relationship troubles. So we decided to go right back to the beginning and looked over all of her past boyfriends right up to present date. Immediately I noticed a striking similarity between ALL of them. Although she had decided now that she was done and dusted with always facing the same problems and was going to go for something completely different i.e. not her ‘usual type’ she still found herself stuck in some sort of groundhogs day …. So whilst on this ambitious quest for change, first she picked a boy from a completely different ethnic background only to find that this relationship started and ended exactly the same way too. At which point she was even more convinced that the age old cliché ‘ALL MEN ARE THE SAME’ was right on the money. Then she chose a guy who aesthetically some would say wasn’t ‘conventionally handsome’ i.e. the complete opposite to her usual ‘pretty boy’ type and suffice to say the results for this brief encounter were the same finally she went for a guy from a completely different social circle who’s likes and interests were so diverse and different to her own in the hopes that he couldn’t possibly mirror her past relationships!! So what do you think happened? Yep history repeated itself but not because ALL guys are the same because unknowingly she had actually PICKED the same characteristics in each guy. She was dating ‘The same Ol’ Same Ol’ but with just a different face,' She was trying to change everyone and everything about her situation apart from HERSELF and If you think about it how many times do we do the same. Reflect back on some of your past relationships can you see any similarities?? between the people you dated? I know for a fact my ex can, he definitely has a type and its ‘not me’ loool….no I’m playing but on a real though his last girlfriend basically was the same ethnicity as me, had the same hairstyle as mine at the time, was born in the same month of the same year, literally 2 days before me. (personally I just think he was trying to clone me and lets be real who wouldn’t want to ha!!) But back to the point, what do you look for in a person? What traits are you attracted to both physically and personality wise?? Obviously if you are already loved up currently then you probably already got it right but for some of us who have checked into 'Singledom' on either a long-term or short term residency these are pivotal questions that we need to be asking ourselves because for one reason or another something isn’t working. Stating the problem is the easy part (well for some of us) but identifying the solution not so much. I think personally it’s because we’re not getting to the root of the problem. We’re cutting off branches/people left right and centre, or in some cases cutting down the whole tree, shouting ‘Timmmmberrr’ and rejoicing prematurely because we think we’ve got rid of the problem. Only we haven’t because we didn’t de-root the tree. So then we stand there looking puzzled when to our amazement the same tree/problem has sprouted up again…..really though??

If you want a BETTER life make BETTER choices…..

If you want a BETTER partner, be a BETTER person…..

If you want to BE loved more, then BE more loving……….. basically whatever you want more of in your life you have to be more of.

Take your last 3 relationships for example and try and find the real reason behind/underneath why they didn’t work out because as much as we would all love to blame the ‘other person’ in reality it’s on US and the sooner we start to take responsibility for that the happier we will be and the more likely we will be to find mutually fulfilling relationships. I’m not saying that on the surface the PROBLEM wasn’t THEM I’m just saying that the SOLUTION is YOU. Ask yourself some questions when you’re lying down at night and no one is around and answer them truthfully. If your last boyfriend/girlfriend was a waste then WHY were you attracted to them? Or WHY did you CHOOSE to love them? And if he/she kept mistreating you then why did YOU choose to stay? You may WANT love but deep down do you think you DESERVE it? If you’re constantly running after people who are running away from you then why do you want what is unattainable? Is it just a way of reinforcing your misguided personal belief that you are not loveable? I think the reason why they say Learn to Love yourself is because you have to do exactly that, LEARN to love yourself. I don’t mean just paying the good old lip service of ‘yeah of course I love myself who wouldn’t’ or hiding behind a false bravado/fake confidence, so no one else knows the truth. I mean TRULY LOVING YOURSELF.

Why do you want what you don’t have? Or if you’re in a relationship out of convenience and you’re just choosing to settle then why do you have what you don’t want? It all boils down to lack of honesty with yourself dig a little deeper.

Because the answer is not in what they did to you it’s in what you’re not doing for yourself….’ITS ALL ABOUT OWNERSHIP’

So I guess the moral of the blog is ‘Know that the onus is on you and watch the tree from which you pick your fruits because an apple can look shiny on the surface but be rotten through and through.’ ©Nia-Jai 2012

 

#ALWAYS LOVE <3