So you know those statuses that are always just a little bit
ambiguous almost like they’re trying to say something without actually saying
anything at all lol…..well how often do you read one and think “is that about
me?” like there is some grand FB conspiracy going on and it’s obviously indirectly
aimed at you???
This question sprang to mind when I was being interrogated
the other day about one of my previous blogs (by he who shall remain nameless).
I don’t particularly know what was worse the fact that said person, without hesitation presumed it must have been
about him or that this person felt he had any right to even comment or pass judgment
about whatever I choose to write. I mean come on now my blogs are exactly that,
they are MINE , a forum for me to express myself and my innermost feelings
freely with no holds barred (and trust me people the more freedom I get the
more juicy my blogs will get, so technically it’s in your interests too to
emancipate me lol)
They’re not forced upon anyone to read who doesn’t want to
read them, they’re just snapshots into whatever is on my mind during that week
and more often than not I just begin typing hoping to make some kind of sense
of my ‘dilemmas but in no way am I trying to offend anyone . They are just words that flow straight from
my heart to Microsoft word (often bypassing my brain to be fair) and If I’m
lucky by the end of it I have some sort of clarity….
So please anyone who doesn’t want to hear what I have to say
then just don’t read it….it’s not as if it’s compulsory and I will NOT edit my feelings on account of yours. That
would be the equivalent of someone asking me how my day was and someone else
answering the question on my behalf. (How would you know what or how I’m
feeling if you’re not me).
And I know some of you
may be thinking yeah but why do I choose to share this with the world? Why Blog
about it?? The answer to that is Simple!!! In the hopes that either someone out
there can give me some helpful advice or so that my own ‘love walk’ may be able
to help others who find themselves in similar situations. Why do I ask so many
questions??? Because I learnt along the
way that there is no such thing as a dumb question.
“The only pointless questions are
the ones that are not asked….” (Nia-jai ©)
You see I personally used to have a problem with ‘asking’ for
help until I was made aware the hard way, of where that gets you L . Now I seek answers and help from those who are wiser than
I and I pass on that which I do know (which as it stands is not all that much)
because:-
‘’if you know better
you do better’’ or
as my mum used to always say “To be forewarned is to be forearmed”
But what happens when theoretically you do know better but in
reality you don’t do better? And what causes us to do this? Is it some kind of #Self Destruct Gadget mode
that is automatically triggered when the mind conceives something that it doesn’t
want to believe? Why do we rationalise
irrational behaviour ONLY when it’s in our own favour?
Well Without further ado here it is…. this week is definitely
looking a lot better than the last. After feeling like I had literally been
punched in the stomach and thrown off a high storey building only to be found
and be rendered emotionally floored, I finally managed to pick myself up and
dust myself off. I knew it was time for me to come face to face with some very
uncomfortable questions and like it or not for me to address them I would have
to accept the ugly truth that sometimes people really aren’t who you think they
are, regardless of how well you know or love them.
So I dug a little deeper as I always do and I tried to look
through the problem to find the hidden meaning because as we all know nothing
is ever as it seems on the surface and as I have expressed before the most
flawless of apples, can have the ugliest cores, But why is it that sometimes
even when we can see the truth, the WHOLE truth and nothing but the truth we still
choose to ignore it. What makes us turn
a blind eye to it…??? And when does choosing to see the best in people hit the
dangerous point where it crosses over into Martyr Ville/token Victim in the
hood?
For so long I wanted to believe that someone I knew dearly
would change their life around. That through all the mistakes they made at some
point the penny would drop and they would see the hurt and pain they were
inflicting on others around them and make a conscious decision to change it
all. I chose to see them as they could be (the higher them) instead of how they
were. However, I slowly came to realise
that actually while I was trying to be patient and love them back to wholeness,
by not acknowledging or drawing appropriate lines in the sand I was actually
allowing their behaviour to escalate and my attempts to pacify situations, (to
take the so called high road) and prevent things from exploding was actually
feeding their ‘bully boy mentality’.
My silence or refusal to engage in confrontation or address
certain issues after lines were crossed was taken for weakness. It sent an
indirect message to the person in question that their behaviour was a)
acceptable b) justified and c) condonable. I know this was the case because it
was reaffirmed for me when the sh!t hit the fan last week excuse my French. The
truth really did come out as did the sentence “if what I really did was so
wrong then why didn’t you do anything? It’s because you knew you were wrong”
WOW!!!! when I say
that sentence has been ringing in my head it definitely gave me something to
think about. Why didn’t I take the appropriate action? Was I scared? Was I
trying to protect my children? Or did a part of me believe that maybe I was to
blame? Honestly it was probably a mixture of all of the above coupled with the
old if a tree drops in a forest but there was no one there to hear it can you
really say that it made a sound? Philosophy. I guess I thought by not acknowledging it or
speaking the words out loud then I could make myself believe it never really
happened and maybe I could bury it so deep in my subconscious that even I would
forget it happened.
Well not one to state the obvious but it didn’t work and nor
will it EVER work. Anything suppressed just serves to gain a greater hold over
you in the long run regardless of what it is. Bringing TRUTH to any situation and
shining a light even on your mistakes disempowers them and sets you free from
their bondage.
“If you’re wrong say you’re wrong, admit it and move on
because from dumb things you’ve done TRUST me you can’t run….” (Nia-Jai ©2008)
So yeah in this situation I hold my hands up to my part in
what happened and I accept that when people USE and ABUSE you and cross lines
with no remorse it is up to YOU to make the choice to stop them. I should have recognised earlier when it was
time to walk away, I should have realised YOU were never gonna change…and I should
have headed the wise words of one of my idols:-
“Beware the false motives of others, Becareful of those who
pretend to be lovers….Men who lack conscience will even LIE TO THEMSELVES to
themselves!!! (LAURYN HILL)
ALWAYSLOVE <3
PS To Whom It May
Concern YES this BLOG is about you
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