That moment when….. I realised that I had one too many…NO not
drinks but ‘moments when…. I messed up’
Initially I was happy when I sat down to write this blog,
thinking this is it I’ve made it to Blog no. 20 and even exceeded my target of
2000 views. It wasn’t until I started writing that I realised whilst I
appreciate many of you may see my annual mishaps as tragically humorous/
entertaining I on the other hand (being that I am often on the receiving end of
these so aptly named punch lines) do not.
There are only so many hits your jaw can take before your
chin breaks. So thank you very much who ever came up with the whole ‘take it on
the chin’ philosophy, clearly you never did …or actually….. Maybe you did and
secretly you just wanted us all to look as busted as you.
That moment when……… you start looking at your Ex’s like
why’s…Why did you bother? Why did you care? Why did you even go there???
So I was kicked back reclining with one hand behind my head
and a glass of vino in the other (Dutch courage) about to hesitantly rehash
over past relationships. One eyebrow raised, with the opposite eye squinting
hoping that if I close my eyes just enough not to see it… then perhaps it
didn’t happen??
It could be said that reflection is to the mind what water is
to a plant….it aides growth, so why is it then that the more I sit and reflect
the more I begin to see exactly how messed up the situations I get myself into
are. Our thoughts are a mirror of our internal struggles which is why when we
hold a mirror up to our minds reflection WILL reveal the truth whether we like
it or not. Ultimately it shows us the imperfections of ourselves instead of
looking at everyone else. Or as Eleanor
Roosevelt put it best...
“Great minds talk
about ideas, average minds talk about events … and small minds talk about
people.” (E.Roosevelt)
That Moment when…………..
We saw that first horror movie that scared us to within an
inch of our life and we swore that we would categorically NEVER subject
ourselves to that again. You’ve all had that moment right?? (For the record my
experience was with that clown I.T (uuuuugh scarred for life)
So here’s the thing,
surely only the mentally insane would want to purposefully go back and watch it
again. It just doesn’t make sense right? So why then when it comes to the
horrifying mistakes we make in relationships do we not only repeat the mistake
but end up re-watching them on the big screen of our consciousness and NOT ONLY
THAT some of us upgrade and decide to watch that *ish in 3D????????
Now I realise that I am comparing my past relationships at
this point to a horror movie, which technically isn’t really fair or the case
(I assure you) and It’s not that I have had THAT many bad experiences, it’s
just that in the few that I have…. They have literally made a bad enough
impression to leave a mark.
So who was my horror story? I hear you ask. He was my “I’m Not
doing this again” Ex. It would appear that we were on some Shakespearean Love
story tip. Yep my very own modern day ‘Othello’ tale, destined for destruction
the minute we said I LOVE YOU. If we are to go by Shakespeare that is and well
we all know how William’s Love stories tend to end now don’t we lol. We did it
all, the Ups, the downs, the back and forth, the I love you but I hate you…..
then I love you again. Until, true to form we ended up having the drama ridden,
climatic end that was perfectly befitting for such an emotionally charged
relationship. (Exhales and shakes head) His love turned to near fatal jealousy
and I turned away.
That moment when………..I finally learnt to let go, (take my key
back) and love myself more.
That moment when……….
You see a guy/girl who (if you’re honest with yourself) you
knew instantly wouldn’t be a great fit for you BUT like a pair of shoes that
are ‘to die for’ and are only available in a size TOO Small, you still insist
on trying to stuff your foot in them anyway. Only to complain when they DONT
look as good on your foot as they did in the box….surprise surprise!!!
So who had me wanting to stuff my foot in a shoe that didn’t
fit??? that would be Mr Dangerous Hype personified. He was my old flame and I
was the moth. To quote one of my poems:
I was like a moth to a flame that was burning bright,
I was attracted to
that which I know aint right……
But yet Jesus told me to follow the light,
So why when I got close did it burn my pride???
And why couldn’t I
Just let it slide
It would a been easier for me just to let it ride but…..
had to be me
Nothing ever easy,
Stubborn as they come Castro couldn’t lead me!!
(NJ 2008) ©
I was just spell bound, it was like every time he would enter
the room my brain would exit via the same door whilst the very apt LMFAO’s
theme tune would play “I’m Sexy and I know it”
Temptation is a mo fo let me tell you, it can make you want
to compromise yourself in many ways but you have to learn to say NO……
1) No you can’t give me a massage.
2) No we can’t be ALONE, in any room, EVERrrrrr and
3) No I’m not going to fantasize about what it was like…
(Anymore lol)
Because wearing shoes that are not your size is how you end
up injuring yourself or worst still getting corns. So I’ll tell you what, ladies
and gentlemen, there will be No more “…just tryin it on for size” or “… walking
in someone else’s shoes” it is NOT for me. I would rather be a window shopper
thank you very much!!!!
“That moment when you realise you are no Cinderella and he
sure as hell was no prince!! Lol.”
Lastly, That moment when……………
You realise maybe you made a mistake……maybe he was the
one…….maybe your choice was wrong???
He promised me the world and if I’m honest I believe he would
have given it to me to. So I can’t help but wonder why? Why didn’t I see or
appreciate what was right in front of my eyes. He was absolutely beautiful
(correction he is absolutely beautiful.) He always put me first and a smile on
my face; he was strong, kind, thoughtful and had a real thirst for life. I
enjoyed spending time with him, he made laugh, he loved my children and above
everything else he loved me and I know it because I could feel it. But I was
scared because my 3rd degree burns from the last relationship (that got torched
to the ground) were very much still visible and I hadn’t even got my key/heart
back at that time. So I said no when maybe I should have said yes and now I
just think why? He could have been my happily ever after.
“That moment when you realise maybe I missed an opportunity
while I was betting on a risk”
Alas, finally my emotional intelligence has caught up with my
biological age and I have learnt how to find the diamond in the mud. I am
comfortable with the mistakes I have made now and those that I am surely going
to make because like it or not it’s shaped me for the best. It has forced me to
see things about myself that I probably never would have. Being that we are all conditioned to live in
this deluded world of make believe, putting on a show for others and displaying
what we THINK they want to see.
Well I AM OFFICIALLY DONE with all that. Those who care
enough to follow my blogs… brace yourself because this ride is about to get the
Alton Tower treatment and there are no safety belts!! You are going to get it ALL…. the good, the
bad AND the ugly, the victories AND the mistakes, my good side and my bad side
along with the struggles that I’m facing in the continual conflict of
“The Old Me Versus the
New Me…..in the hopes of becoming the Higher Me!!!”
Acceptance is the first step and I ACCEPT that I have a dark
side as well as a light side and my aim is to become balanced so that they can
coexist in harmony. I am no longer trying to supress or eliminate either part,
so although I’m clearly not there yet if you know me at all then you know that
I will be.
“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its
best, night and day to make you everybody else, is to fight the hardest
battle…” (ee.cummings)
Till next time Blogheads, #NEVERSTOPFIGHTING!!!
#ALWAYSLOVE
No comments:
Post a Comment