So it’s the early hours of Monday morning and I am restlessly
tossing and turning in my bed. I can’t seem to find a comfortable position, I’m
hot with the duvet on and I’m cold with it off. My brain is in overactive
mode flicking furiously from one memory to another……..till finally, I bolt upright
with my back ruler straight, eyes wide open and I hear the words, “story of
your life huh?”
At which point I’m thinking what is? And I’m thoroughly
confused????
CONTROL is a scary thing, and losing it is even scarier for
some. By its very definition it means to determine the behaviour or the
course of events and as humans we try and exercise this by ‘manipulating’ people
and emotions. We all do it (although some more than others) and IT’S WRONG!!! I
hate people trying to control me but more than that I’ve found that others
HATE the fact that they CAN’T CONTROL ME!!!!
What a week I’ve had let me tell ya…..Last blog I told you to
prepare for a rollercoaster ride well what I forgot to remind myself was to be
careful what I say because lo and behold the following week had more than its
fair share of ups and downs. In fact NO, that’s a lie, it was pretty much just
one big downward motion. (This was one time that I was hoping that my height
limitation of 5ft 1” would have denied me access to the ride BUT NO.)
It was as if I started the week at the top of the ride and
was feeling great and then out of nowhere the carriage I was in just dropped
without any warning!!! Usually when this happens (Yes unfortunately it’s a
regular occurrence in my life) I go from the initial screaming phase, to
throwing my hands up and enjoying the rush while waiting for my faith to
cushion the drop. However, this time round was slightly different it’s almost
as if I had an outer body experience. I watched myself falling but in slow
motion. Everything slowed down considerably, you know like when a cassette tape
used to get chewed up and would get blurred into a muffled sound followed by an
ever so awkward silence. No lie, it’s like time stood still for at least 5
minutes, until reality broke the silence that is and I gave my head wobble
thinking to myself is this really happening??? Am I really hearing what I think
am hearing?? or am In some random
twilight episode ( because if that’s the case I sure as hell am not getting
paid enough to play a role I didn’t even audition for lol)
Sorry, i'm getting a bit ahead of myself let me back track. Basically my relationship with a close friend of mine was
damaged recently and to be honest I’m not sure if it will ever be the same
again. You see in the fight for ‘control’respect was lost and where there
is no respect there is no trust and well, where there is no TRUST…….enough
said!!!
I don’t know what is going on this month? But there has
definitely been some in house reshuffling taking place and yes the removal of some
jokers from the pack because like I’ve said in the past there is nothing worse
than having someone in your inner circle who’sWITH YOU but not FOR YOU…the
names Judas, comes to mind and as Mz Legendary Hill so wisely put it‘You’ll never suppose it’s those who are
closest to you’ but as most of us already know it almost ALWAYS is.
Don’t get me wrong
everyone has conflicts and back in the day I would have been the first to jump
in the ring and probably the last one out too. I was proper old-school or
should I say Old Testament an eye for an
eye and all that and if someone even remotely tried to bad me up I’d call them
on it…..but now, I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m a mother or that I’m older
and presumably a ‘little’ wiser but I can’t help but think what the heck is the
point in the whole tit for tat philosophy???? For one to be able to say…..I
win?? You win what exactly?? Because the last time I checked conflict usually ends
in a fall out and so with that said…..how are you winning if it’s at the
expense of LOSING, something you supposedly value i.e. a friendship/relationship.
I know growing up I always wanted to play the role of the
leading lady but I guess I didn’t really take into consideration that actually, the ‘strong female leads’ always had to endure a struggle and yes while
in the END they ‘get the guy’ or ‘ the job’ or ‘change the world’ lol….their
story was ultimately about the ‘STRUGGLE’. As sad as it is to lose anything you
care about, I am glad that God is showing me who should be on which side of the
fence now rather than later because I
know that he will never take from me anything that he isn’t willing to return
to me tenfold.
I reckon STRENGTH is measured by what you’ve struggled
through and SURVIVED. So if you’re never tested then how will you ever know how
strong you are? I.e. if you only ever lift the same weight all the time, even
if you are getting physically stronger how will you know? You have to try lifting something heavier right? It’s the same in life, as we get stronger the
tests get harder but that’s only because we can handle more…As the book of
truth says he will NEVER give you more than you can bare and we ALL have a
cross to rock !!
So you see if you have been tested this
week, whether at home, in the office, with loved ones or strangers they are
just scenarios that have happened to show you something about YOURSELF. Stop letting
other people dictate your level of happiness STOP holding other people
accountable for your misery….STOP putting your life in the hands of others and take back your control.
‘Taking control of yourself means NOT having to control
anyone else….. and If you DON’T engage then war CANNOT be waged’ nia-jai 2012
I dedicate this blog to all those people that rub me up
the wrong way!! I thank you for presenting me with situations that have shown me
how much I have grown (well NOT physically) but spiritually at least. As
I have said before:
“ when you no longer have to WIN an argument is when you have finally
WON the war” (Nia-Jai 2012 ©)
You see the best thing about not playing tit for tat is that
when you refuse to tat back you automatically make the other person look like a
tit. And so the moral of the story is #Always love and take the high road at
least you know where that goes.
Till next week Blogsters,
#Always Love <3
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