Ok so how to sum up 5 years of my tumultuous moments in 1
blog….sounds like a title from the series ‘For dummies’ right? Well
at this precise moment in time if there was an idiots guide to ‘how to string a
sentence together’ I would probably purchase it to be fair!!! I mean, I don’t
know whether you may have also experienced this but why is it that whenever you
get a bright idea, you know that light bulb ‘ah haaa’ moment, the light seems
to fade very soon after. I thought to myself, well I like to think a lot, I
have a lot to say and I write songs and poetry pretty much all day long, so why
not try my hand at a blog for you guys. The minute I set the ball in motion I
was super excited, Ideas flooded my mind day and night about what I would write
and I was just fully pumped up, HOWEVER the very instant I sat down at my
laptop, ambiance set, a little light adult beverage to hand and OBVIOUSLY as if
you didn’t know already candles lit….. My good old friend whom I had not seen
for a while paid me an unwelcome visit. He turned up unannounced (as always)
bearing no gifts (as always) and took the usual stubborn stance of not wanting
to leave no matter how much I politely requested (as always). Sooooo at this
point I guess you’re wondering who this unwanted, unnecessary visit was from
huh?? Well I won’t keep you in suspense it was Mr ‘Writers Block’ himself!!!
Why be gender specific??? Because who else could possibly have the ability to
annoy and frustrate me so much just by doing what comes naturally to them (NOT
LISTENING)….other than a man of course? In fact I could possibly go one step
further and give him a name if I really wanted to, oh yeah *raised eyebrow* lol
……………………………………………………………………………… but come on now, you should know me better than
that, I NEVER name and shame and to be honest there are a lot of people that I
have crossed paths with that should be extremely grateful of that fact!! If I didn’t have any integrity
there would be certain individuals that (excuse the pun) I would WRITE OFF completely.
None the less, just as with all uninvited guests he finally got the hint and
left, allowing me to resume the task at hand and attempt to finish, well, more
like start this blog……
THE TRANSITION YEARS (20-25) aka MY TEENAGE YEARS ON
STEROIDS
They say 13-19 years of age is supposed to be the hardest time in ones life. A period of growth and indecision where one is forced to grapple with the frustration of not knowing who you are or why you're here. The changes of the physical form coupled with the emotional mood swings from the introduction of chemical hormone imabalance is a receipe for disaster. For me though it was actually the opposite. At that point in my life I felt very clued up, I knew who I was and where i wanted to go in life and I prided myself on the fact that I hadnt yet made any grave mistakes and i certainly didnt have any regrets . I had a large circle of friends and goodlooking boyfriend who was smitten with me, a great family and life was just generally great. My childhood memories are pretty much perfect thanks to the most wonderful parents in the world, however that was kind of the problem. I had been sheltered from a lot and I only knew who I thought my parents wanted me to be, not necessarily who I was destined to be. Needless to say when I hit 20 and became a mummy myself, my whole life changed and everything I thought I knew was thrown into question again!!!
This was when I literally went from what should have been
the best point in my life to the absolute worst in the exact time it takes to
shot your favourite liquor or so it seemed at the time. It was a case of 1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3
Tequila……MORE which obviously led to 1 headache, 2 mistakes, 3 Wishes……FLOOR!!!
But I survived to tell the tale. Isn’t it mad how the good memories seem to
fade so much quicker than the endless replays of mistakes we make? It’s weird
because I actually achieved a lot professionally at that time yet as soon as I
hit emotional turmoil and checked into heart break hotel it all seemed to pale
in comparison and some of my proudest moments were drowned in the tears of my
pain.
I was studying at Manchester University, had a beautiful
baby daughter and I was playing house
with my high school sweet heart, he was my first boyfriend and we were engaged
to be married…. He was My first and Only Love to date and I had the most
supportive family ever; I was definitely living the dream, well at least my
dream. It was the only point in my life that I was ever truly happy. Until true
to form my life got turned on its head in a major way. Life threw me a curve
ball and no one on my team gave me a heads up till the ball had smacked me
clean in my face!!! Then came the ‘told you so’s..’ from certain individuals.
Now I can’t really go into too much detail here as its material from my
forthcoming book and lets be real if I give you too much now then why would you
bother reading it later…….im just saying lol.
Anyway with my life in pieces and my mind on a spin dry
cycle needless to say I was a mess and I made the critical mistake of making
PERMANENT decisions based on a TEMPORARY situation!!! Would you like to know
where that leads you???? Right down a dark alley, with no guide, no light and
no sense of direction because although you’re standing still your heads still
spinning. Truthfully at this point your only option is to put one foot in front
of the other and HOPE for the best. I think it’s interesting though when you’re
actually in the darkness and you have no option other than to rely on your
instincts, how quickly you tend to sober up. The harsh reality that regardless
of all the family, friends, and so called lovers that you have, when it comes
down to it in the end your journey is exactly that, YOURS!! And recognising
that you’re all ALONE in this world, doesn’t have to mean that you’re LONELY
but it will help you to take accountability of your own life instead of playing
the victim and the blame game for what people have or haven’t done to or for
you. Once you take control of yourself the rest is easy. That’s not to say that
we have to do everything on our own I do believe certain people come in and out
of our lives like angels sometimes to make our journey just that little easier,
but I also think certain individuals are sent to cross our paths to test our
character and try and prevent us from fulfilling our destiny which to me
implies that only WE have the ‘freewill’ that God gave us to decide whether or
not continue on the right path, the path to Love, the path where our dreams
come true and we experience true joy. I say continue on because I believe we
are all born on the right path and that no one is born bad but circumstance,
experience, education and socialisation or lack of can change people’s
direction or knock them off their destined path. Influence is a very powerful
tool and just as someone can inspire you to be great, nurture your gifts and
talents and encourage you to be the best you can be, likewise there are people
that target those who are indecisive, unsure and uncertain of who they are and
why they are here. Speaking negativity and sowing seeds of doubt into their
lives. I.e. you’re NOT good enough, you’re NOT talented enough, you’re NOT
brave enough ultimately implying that you’re NOT intelligent enough to make up
your own mind and chose for yourself. Getting lost can be a blessing in
disguise, hitting breaking point can be your defining moment. Sometimes we need
to be forced to face life and only when your backs against the wall, when
you’ve lost everything and breathing becomes difficult do we bother fighting
back. Transition forces change and change can equal one of two things
growth/evolution or extinction Darwin said it best ‘adapt or die’. I chose to
fight back and although during my transition years I faced a lot of cross roads
and I took the wrong turn off a couple times on my road to recovery. I can now say that finally after roaming the
wilderness for long enough, I found my inner me, I found the beauty in the
break through, I picked up my pride along the way, I listened to my inner
voice, followed the light in the distance and I made it out of my dark stage
aka my ‘noir phase’. Currently I’m walking in my ‘tonal phase’ and its clearer
to me now than it ever has been, NOTHING is black and white it’s all varying
shades of grey and it’s ALL a question of perspective.
Though understandably I have a long way to get to my
destination of the pearly gates….rest assured the light is getting brighter
every day and when the time comes for me to write my final chapter and my
destiny has been fulfilled I will walk towards the light with no reservations
at all……but until then as my story unfolds and I have no idea what will come next,
I await with baited breath because whether good or bad it’s ALL part of who I
am and why I am here. So I will embrace it, learn from it and write about it!!!
That’s it from me, not bad for someone with writers block
hey lol…. Till next weds #AlwaysLove <3
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