'BROKEN'

Its Wednesday, its early morning and you are alive and reading my blog J which means you can see and clearly have turned a corner with the whole good decision making thing! GO YOU lol. Surely that alone is reason enough to feel great right but if not how about this…..How many of you out there have ever felt so alone, so heartbroken, so uncertain yet so sure only to end up  sooooooo errm WRONG??? Good that’s what I thought, well obviously I don’t mean that I’m glad you’ve felt that way but I am glad that you will be able to understand and fully relate to what you’re about to read. Admittedly I am a writer and the author of my own life, (or so I like to think) so in my Own world when the scales tipped and my reality dipped….I had one of two options either write off my options or get a grip….so I  turned over a new page and re-wrote my script starring yours truly as the LEADING LADY of course ;-)

 Without further ado, I give you  your reason to smile for today ‘BROKEN’ a poem by none other than MOI >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

‘BROKEN into 1 PIECE’

My mind was a mess; I was just tryna minus the stress,

Where I used to succeed I started failing in minor tests,

Cobwebs filled my head and I couldn’t quiet the ringing of regret,

The 'sirens of silence' were all that was left.

Tryna Clear the clutter off my desk,

Confusion clogging up my chest,

I couldn’t see straight so I couldn’t watch where I stepped,

But on no one’s toes was I tryna tread,

Under the cloud of illusion I couldn’t see ahead,

It was when I turned my back, I realised they were vexed.

SO WHAT’S NEXT????????

I took the knife out from my back and chose to butter my bread   ; -)

(Just pause for a sec and re-read what you read

And let the words that I wrote resonate in your head)

'I took the knife from my back and chose to butter my bread'

.....Did you get it yet?????

In other words I took the heartache and the pain

And made sure they weren’t in vain,

Realising what I knew was ALL subject to change,

I Started living for today,

And thinking for tomorrow,

Chose to LEND my ear (instead of borrow)

To the words of wisdom from those who knew SORROW

……..NOW IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT I CAN’T CONTROL J

I Live by example and lead from the front,

I accept what I need is NOT always what I WANT.

So if something needs addressing I Always speak out of love

Because the TRUTH hurts more when the knife is blunt!!!

Face the facts, take the plunge, get it over with quickly and accept what YOU’VE DONE

It’s ALL about ownership so OWN your mistakes,

Change your focus and put your onus on FAITH!!!

Because NO seal is unbreakable, trust me I know,

When it comes to being complex I broke the mould,

I suppose that’s why so many wanna break my soul

But they’d know it was pointless if they KNEW what I KNOW!!

At one point it was working, I was losing control,

I was mad and it was hurting till I lightened the load.

Blood draining, eyes straining, but immune to the cold

Till one day the penny dropped and I finally grabbed hold

…..You see God HAD to BREAK me to make ME WHOLE!!!!!!!!

Seek LOVE & Let go of CONTROL!!!

#ALWAYS LOVE

So there it is……I Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it and if not I hope you hated it as much as I love it because either way for you to hate it, you had to have LOVED it firstJ. xx

LOVE LOST AND FOUND...

 

So another 7 days have passed and I find myself back here taking pride of place at my Laptop. What can I tell you guys that Facebook, Twitter and Instagram haven’t already told most of you lol. Well, let me see, errrrm…. I fell in LOVE !!! *gasps…..but you can all pick your jaws up off the floor now I don’t mean with Mr Me and I certainly haven’t been whisked away on a romantic fairy tale adventure, I literally mean that after how many years I have finally fallen in Love again only this time it’s with LIFE. This year I inhaled the essence of life and I got excited about the endless possibilities that could come to be and I guess for the past 7 months all I have been doing is holding my breath in preparation (which could account for the light headed spells I suppose lol) but the more I anticipate the greatness that is finding its way to me the more anxious I become and I just can’t seem to catch my breath. Just the thought of my dreams coming true, or receiving the desires of my heart and my stomach drops, my heart races and practically nothing can wipe the exceptionally wide grin off my face, as I have to remind myself to just Breathe. (‘Slow Down Nia’) I can’t wait for that moment of ‘exhalation’ and that feeling of confirmation that I was right!! For that day that my visions become reality and I can finally Trust my judgement again. So Yes I Am in love, in love with the endless possibilities of where my life could take me 

You know how they say that when you’re in love your senses becomes heightened, colours are brighter, flowers smell fresher, life tastes sweeter and the world just generally feels like a better place to be, but in actual fact nothing has really changed!!!........... Apart from YOU. Well this week when the sun tipped his hat and decided to show up in my life I took out my rose tinted Armani shades (wink wink) and everything suddenly seemed to glow differently. I put away my umbrella and pulled out my happy face, changed my perspective and suddenly felt great because it’s true you know, when you SMILE the world really does smile with you!!

So it got me thinking why do we spend a whole lifetime trying to find love and what it is…..then when we find it and we lose it, we spend the rest of our lives wishing we had never pursued it in the first place!!! I can’t speak for everyone but for me personally I feel that I had to lose love in order to learn how to love and to understand that it isn’t about looking for someone to LOVE US  but  more a case of  us finding someone TO LOVE. It’s about learning to be SELFLESS  instead of SELFISH. However how many times growing up did we get told that we’ll get back what we give out and then in direct contradiction get told not to give to receive lol……well my personal philosophy is syncopated with the old karmic laws because like it or not whether you adhere to the scientific, natural  or spiritual laws it all reads the same. LOVE, like Gravity and Karma does NOT need or require your BELIEF  in it to EXIST, it’s the TRUTH and the truth is NOT relative it’s Absolute.

Why why why has LOVE got to be so complicated???? Is a question that I’m sure has been asked by all of our predecessors and will continue to be asked by the future generations to come but it’s interesting to me,  how we search for answers to questions about life that we’re not necessarily ever meant to solve, but maybe just search for ….You see in the end we work out that it wasn’t the answer or the final destination that actually mattered but the questions and the journey on which we uncover  essential wisdom keys.

However  if the film makers of today are right about the future of tomorrow then perhaps the search is in vain??? Seeing as we seem to complain all the time about the pressures and confusions of emotions and we wish for it all to stop but tell me something what’s going to happen when the universe answers our requests and we become subject to a mechanical heartless iRobot type of world, where emotions no longer exist. I don’t know if this is actually funny or scarily to close to the truth to be fair but by wishing away the pain of heart ache we ALSO eradicate LOVE and all that comes with it!! And is that really what we want? Because truth be told a world without LOVE would be a very empty place…..I guess it’s just like with anything really, you have to take the good with the bad but if you remember even a fraction of how it feels to be in love and have someone love you back then my guess is that you’ll risk heartache for the potential of love EVERY single time. I mean childbirth is painful but it doesn’t stop you wanting to have more children when you realise that the pleasures far outweigh the pain right? So yeah given the options of, ‘ the crippling effect of heart break vs. a World that has never known LOVE’ I would free fall in Faith every time……for the only thing worse that having loved and Lost….is having NEVER known it existed.

When I closed the door on love I didn’t just shut the pain out, I locked myself in……and yeah it felt safe because no one could hurt me but it also meant No one could LOVE me either!!!

This year I opened that door and I have never felt more alive.

Lose Love and you Lose Hope, Lose Hope and your dead anyway….

#ALWAYS LOVE

“You are NOT what people call you….You are what YOU answer to!!”

“You are NOT what people call you….You are what YOU answer to!!”

Hey fellow readers both New and faithful, its officially that time of the week that you look forward to the most right? Good ol’ Mz M@nni in the morning J.  So how has your week been? Mine as per usual has been nothing short of eventful to say the least, but its all good though I prefer it that way. The only thing worse than having an extra long to do list is having a nothing todo list, as the saying goes “the devil makes work for idle hands”

I’ve learnt that when things get busy they don’t have to necessarily get stressful too. Planning and organisation are the keys to those doors leading to peace and efficiency. I have to say trying to juggle, work, children, family and friends and still have a social life takes some doing and it is certainly NOT as easy as some people make it look. In my opinion  the skills required to run a  ‘happy home’ are the same transferrable skills that Bosses use to run Multi-Million Dollar businesses everyday and as the CEO of my own ‘Sempa-Dawkins’ corporation I can personally verify this ;-)

At this precise moment in time I am trying to finish the 1^st rough edit of my book, complete my New Ep, and make preparations for my video for the lead single, whilst being a full time mummy of 2.

Since I was born I feel like I was always living under a different title, for example at first I was the daughter of Rodney and Jenny Sempa, then I was ‘Sylwena’s little sister right up until I became 'Dawkins Girlfriend' (yes boys actually did try to refer to me as that) the absolute cheek of it. However for anyone who even vaguely knows me, they'll be aware that this was not something that necessarily sat that well with me. By twenty years old that was it, now I was Thaiyana’s mummy and Rio Ferdinands 1^st recording artist Nia-Jai and had spent my whole life being defined by what I was to other people. Someone’s daughter, someone’s sister, someone’s girlfriend, someone’s mother and it was time for me to discover who I was irrespective of circumstance or affiliation.

Today I thought I would give you a preview of one of the poems I wrote around that time….Let me know what you think!! BUT ONLY IF YOU LIKE IT OF COURSE lol

WEAPONS OF DESTRUCTION

Am I what you say I am just because you say I am??

You set out boundaries for which I fall short,

Then I am burdened with the disappointment when I am NOT what YOU thought!!!

But am I what you say I am just because you say I am??

You chose to place me on a pedestal, where my flaws were subject to ridicule,

You waited with breath baited, so sure that I would fall,

You used your tongue like a razor, the FIERCEST tool of them all,

You TRIED to cut me down so that I couldn’t stand tall.

…..BUT it was YOUR insecurities that made YOU feel small.

Am I what you say I am… just because you say I am??

Out of anger you speak in spite,

And those words forever replay in my mind,

You say Not to listen you were caught in a hype

and that you had been drinking but that’s exactly why….

I KNOW!! that you’re not speaking a lie

 but words of truth from whats  On your mind.

......................................In vino veritas,The Truth LIES in Wine.

You protest too much, So I am calling your bluff,

You see the TRUTH stands alone and doesn’t need backing up !!!

So please do yourself a favour this battle’s already LOST,

And do NOT expect me to agree to something I AM NOT!!!!

…. Am I what you say I am just because you say I am??

NO, I DEFINITELY AM NOT!!

“YOU ARE NOT WHAT PEOPLE CALL YOU…YOU ARE WHAT YOU ANSWER TO!!!”

(SEMPER AMOR)

So in conclusion to todays blog…..I would just like to leave you with some food for thought, Do you Really know WHO YOU ARE? Not who you’re connected to or what you do or who you are to other people but JUST WHO ARE YOU?? Because the reality in my opinion is that you can’t be happy or love yourself if you don’t TRULY know who you are and if YOU don’t know who you are and what you stand for then THEY can and will label you what YOU ARE NOT!!!

Till next weds have a productive week

#ALWAYSLOVE

<3

THE TRANSITION YEARS aka TEENAGE YEARS ON STEROIDS!!!

Ok so how to sum up 5 years of my tumultuous moments in 1 blog….sounds like a title from the series ‘For dummies’ right? Well at this precise moment in time if there was an idiots guide to ‘how to string a sentence together’ I would probably purchase it to be fair!!! I mean, I don’t know whether you may have also experienced this but why is it that whenever you get a bright idea, you know that light bulb ‘ah haaa’ moment, the light seems to fade very soon after. I thought to myself, well I like to think a lot, I have a lot to say and I write songs and poetry pretty much all day long, so why not try my hand at a blog for you guys. The minute I set the ball in motion I was super excited, Ideas flooded my mind day and night about what I would write and I was just fully pumped up, HOWEVER the very instant I sat down at my laptop, ambiance set, a little light adult beverage to hand and OBVIOUSLY as if you didn’t know already candles lit….. My good old friend whom I had not seen for a while paid me an unwelcome visit. He turned up unannounced (as always) bearing no gifts (as always) and took the usual stubborn stance of not wanting to leave no matter how much I politely requested (as always). Sooooo at this point I guess you’re wondering who this unwanted, unnecessary visit was from huh?? Well I won’t keep you in suspense it was Mr ‘Writers Block’ himself!!! Why be gender specific??? Because who else could possibly have the ability to annoy and frustrate me so much just by doing what comes naturally to them (NOT LISTENING)….other than a man of course? In fact I could possibly go one step further and give him a name if I really wanted to, oh yeah *raised eyebrow* lol ……………………………………………………………………………… but come on now, you should know me better than that, I NEVER name and shame and to be honest there are a lot of people that I have crossed paths with that should be extremely grateful  of that fact!! If I didn’t have any integrity there would be certain individuals that (excuse the pun) I would WRITE OFF completely. None the less, just as with all uninvited guests he finally got the hint and left, allowing me to resume the task at hand and attempt to finish, well, more like start this blog……

THE TRANSITION YEARS (20-25) aka MY TEENAGE YEARS ON STEROIDS

They say 13-19 years of age is supposed to be the hardest time in ones life. A period of growth and indecision where one is forced to grapple with the frustration of not knowing who you are or why you're here. The changes of the physical form coupled with the emotional mood swings from the introduction of chemical hormone imabalance is a receipe for disaster. For me though it was actually the opposite. At that point in my life I felt very clued up, I knew who I was and where i wanted to go in life and I prided myself on the fact that I hadnt yet made any grave mistakes and i certainly didnt have any regrets . I had a large circle of friends and goodlooking boyfriend who was smitten with me, a great family and life was just generally great. My childhood memories are pretty much perfect thanks to the most wonderful parents in the world, however that was kind of the problem. I had been sheltered from a lot and I only knew who I thought my parents wanted me to be, not necessarily who I was destined to be. Needless to say when I hit 20 and became a mummy myself, my whole life changed and everything I thought I knew was thrown into question again!!!

This was when I literally went from what should have been the best point in my life to the absolute worst in the exact time it takes to shot your favourite liquor or so it seemed at the time.  It was a case of 1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3 Tequila……MORE which obviously led to 1 headache, 2 mistakes, 3 Wishes……FLOOR!!! But I survived to tell the tale. Isn’t it mad how the good memories seem to fade so much quicker than the endless replays of mistakes we make? It’s weird because I actually achieved a lot professionally at that time yet as soon as I hit emotional turmoil and checked into heart break hotel it all seemed to pale in comparison and some of my proudest moments were drowned in the tears of my pain.

I was studying at Manchester University, had a beautiful baby daughter and  I was playing house with my high school sweet heart, he was my first boyfriend and we were engaged to be married…. He was My first and Only Love to date and I had the most supportive family ever; I was definitely living the dream, well at least my dream. It was the only point in my life that I was ever truly happy. Until true to form my life got turned on its head in a major way. Life threw me a curve ball and no one on my team gave me a heads up till the ball had smacked me clean in my face!!! Then came the ‘told you so’s..’ from certain individuals. Now I can’t really go into too much detail here as its material from my forthcoming book and lets be real if I give you too much now then why would you bother reading it later…….im just saying lol.

Anyway with my life in pieces and my mind on a spin dry cycle needless to say I was a mess and I made the critical mistake of making PERMANENT decisions based on a TEMPORARY situation!!! Would you like to know where that leads you???? Right down a dark alley, with no guide, no light and no sense of direction because although you’re standing still your heads still spinning. Truthfully at this point your only option is to put one foot in front of the other and HOPE for the best. I think it’s interesting though when you’re actually in the darkness and you have no option other than to rely on your instincts, how quickly you tend to sober up. The harsh reality that regardless of all the family, friends, and so called lovers that you have, when it comes down to it in the end your journey is exactly that, YOURS!! And recognising that you’re all ALONE in this world, doesn’t have to mean that you’re LONELY but it will help you to take accountability of your own life instead of playing the victim and the blame game for what people have or haven’t done to or for you. Once you take control of yourself the rest is easy. That’s not to say that we have to do everything on our own I do believe certain people come in and out of our lives like angels sometimes to make our journey just that little easier, but I also think certain individuals are sent to cross our paths to test our character and try and prevent us from fulfilling our destiny which to me implies that only WE have the ‘freewill’ that God gave us to decide whether or not continue on the right path, the path to Love, the path where our dreams come true and we experience true joy. I say continue on because I believe we are all born on the right path and that no one is born bad but circumstance, experience, education and socialisation or lack of can change people’s direction or knock them off their destined path. Influence is a very powerful tool and just as someone can inspire you to be great, nurture your gifts and talents and encourage you to be the best you can be, likewise there are people that target those who are indecisive, unsure and uncertain of who they are and why they are here. Speaking negativity and sowing seeds of doubt into their lives. I.e. you’re NOT good enough, you’re NOT talented enough, you’re NOT brave enough ultimately implying that you’re NOT intelligent enough to make up your own mind and chose for yourself. Getting lost can be a blessing in disguise, hitting breaking point can be your defining moment. Sometimes we need to be forced to face life and only when your backs against the wall, when you’ve lost everything and breathing becomes difficult do we bother fighting back. Transition forces change and change can equal one of two things growth/evolution or extinction Darwin said it best ‘adapt or die’. I chose to fight back and although during my transition years I faced a lot of cross roads and I took the wrong turn off a couple times on my road to recovery.  I can now say that finally after roaming the wilderness for long enough, I found my inner me, I found the beauty in the break through, I picked up my pride along the way, I listened to my inner voice, followed the light in the distance and I made it out of my dark stage aka my ‘noir phase’. Currently I’m walking in my ‘tonal phase’ and its clearer to me now than it ever has been, NOTHING is black and white it’s all varying shades of grey and it’s ALL a question of perspective.

Though understandably I have a long way to get to my destination of the pearly gates….rest assured the light is getting brighter every day and when the time comes for me to write my final chapter and my destiny has been fulfilled I will walk towards the light with no reservations at all……but until then as my story unfolds and I have no idea what will come next, I await with baited breath because whether good or bad it’s ALL part of who I am and why I am here. So I will embrace it, learn from it and write about it!!!

That’s it from me, not bad for someone with writers block hey lol….  Till next weds #AlwaysLove <3

MZ M@NNI IN THE MORNING ;0)

`

INTRODUCTION TO A SERIES OF ANECDOTAL EXPERIENCES IN MY JOURNEY SO FAR....!!!

Is it a bird? is it a plane? am I losing my damn mind??? Oh No rest assured it’s just my 30^th birthday fast approaching like it’s in competition with Usain Bolt or something. I realise that most of you are probably thinking, so what? well I assure you if that is the case then, you probably fall into the whole under 25’s,  world at your feet, full of excitement for the future category or you're in the over 40 and fabulous category, where identity crisis is not an issue and you have successfully ticked off the goals you set in your early 20’s . That said I can see why you wouldn’t necessarily be empathetic to my dilemma, but this blog right here is for those of us, who are still at a cross roads. Not yet cynical enough to give up completely on life but yet losing ground at a quicker rate than we are making progress….sinking quick in the sands of time which, is evidently no longer on our side.

OK! so, it's been what? 29 years and..........................well who cares how many months, since I graced the world with my wonderful presence and in all those years you would presume I must have learnt something, right?. Well if I'm honest, at this point in my life I can't help but feel that every time I take 2 steps forward I'm knocked at least 10 strides back and though I'm no Einstein I'm pretty sure that's not a good look when you do the maths lol.

So why blog about it?!?  Well late one evening, I had executed my usual home routine with the kids to perfection. My babies were washed, fed and tucked up in bed. My house was looking immaculate (if i do say so my self). I had my bottle of Blossom Hill Signature rose chilling in the fridge, my vanilla and magnolia scented candles lit and the sexy serenading sounds of George Benson's 'Breezin' playing in the back ground. So yes one would be forgiven for thinking that this was leading to some sort of romantic climax (cue leading male etc), but nope one would be soarly mistaken, E.L James I am not and regretfully 50 shades of grey is about as close as I'll be getting to any steamy, erotic love scenes any time soon.

However the only thing scarier than that is how much updating my social networking sites and socialising on line has become part of my everyday life, without me even noticing.

In a generation where we are fortunate enough to have access to the "Whole Wide World" and a global platform with which to really express ourselves, I (along with you lot)  was sharing the mundane day to day affairs of my life I.e. uploading what i am doing, who I'm with, where I'm going instead of sharing stories about the dramas I've faced,the joys I've experienced, the mistakes I've made and passing on the endless wisdom I could share because of my tragically humorous life.... or lack of lol !!

If only you knew!! Well I guess within the next few weeks or so you're probably going to. I have some stories to tell that would shock even my most closest of friends and although I have been a private person for the longest of time I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. That said I decided that actually my "Mess" could be someone Else's "Message" and my "Pain" could have "Purpose" and what better way to share it with you all then  through the wonderful world of Blogging??

With so much to say though, where should I start? Well the beginning is always a good place I hear you say and for me it all began at 19. The "Transition Years,"  from a young adult to a grown up. The time for sacrifice, letting go of what was and planning for what will be, no longer a child but not yet a successful adult?!? It stands to reason that this time would be testing to say the least. For those of us who had a wonderful childhood we find it hard to dig up roots and let go of all that we know. So we spend endless time reminiscing over the past, rehashing over the memories of ‘the one that got away’ (who coincidentally never felt the same about you anyway and clearly isn’t worth using up any of your precious memory space) Just wishing we could turn back the hands of time. With our eyes closed and dreaming of 'what was' we end up stumbling into obstacles in the 'what is' and hitting the ground face first as we fall into our future of 'what will be.' (exactly! don’t try this at home kids)

 However for those who weren’t so fond of their "yesteryear's" letting go is the easy part but its the  building a NEW FUTURE that will make up for the past that you never had that's scary. Simply put it's a time for growth and as everyone knows from the memories of their adolescent years, growing pains suck!!!

Pruning , plucking, shaping, moulding and just when we thought we had finished with all that.... we look around and realise that actually our grown up years are not much different than our teenage ones. We still face the same boy issues which are now intensified because those ‘boys’ are now MEN ‘acting like boys,’ we have the same friendship trials because everyone is moving on or away, getting married or not getting ‘any’ (singledom) having babies or buying houses and there just isn’t enough time in the day. Work takes up so much precedence because of the need for finance that now your family is feeling estranged and drifting apart and pretty much EVERY dynamic of EVERY relationship in your life is suddenly strained and in need of serious redefining*raised eyebrow/shakes head*

…..l welcome you ALL to your "teenage years on steroids!!!!!" if you thought the 1st time around was bad......?!? try being nearly 30 and still Lost this time the Consequences are more severe, the tactics are more discreet but the numbers of under cover haters has increased significantly.

 ................LET THE DRAMA BEGIN!!!!

Always Love,

Nia-Jai

…..NEXT ON MZ M@NNI IN THE MORNING: ‘ TEENAGE YEARS ON STEROIDS’ Wednesday 11^th July 2012